Ten Feet Tall and Bullet-Proof : How unhealthy confidence often leads us to ineffectively self-assess

0:02 This is the light inside. I'm Jeffrey biesecker confidence at times, it's something we each strive for, you know, that feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof healthy confidence can prepare us for tasks improve our mental and physical health, and Empower us to form beneficial perspectives. That better prepare us for Success. Well though it times, we overly inflate this perspective and in the process, Us. We become Our Own Worst Enemy. Why is it that our confidence is often disproportionate to the difficulty of a task studies show that we often overestimate our ability to overcome adversity and difficult.

0:44 Yes. Surprisingly, we are often overconfident when estimating relatively simple tasks, this phenomena is known as the hard easy effect. It suggests that we incorrectly predict our ability to complete tasks depending on their Of difficulty. But why do we do it? And what behaviors in a personal repertoire might lead us to be more susceptible to miss, judging our self assessments today. We look at how unhealthy confidence often leads us to ineffectively self-assess. And why ingesting are selectively filters allows us to form a more empowering and beneficial, self-assessment, that ensures greater levels of success.

1:24 Our Guest today. Constantine more on tells us how when we return to the line. Light inside. When it comes to mobile service providers with their High rate plans, extra fees and hidden costs or expenses. Many of the big-name networks, leave a bad taste in your mouth. Ma'am, mobile is a new flavor of mobile networks irks, sharing all the same reliable features of the big-name brands. Yet at a fraction of the cost. I recently made the change to MIT mobile and I can't believe the monthly savings allowing me to put more money in my pocket for the things, which Truly like me up inside making the switch to MIT mobile is.

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3:30 For example, imagine that you're learning to drive for those of us who are of a certain age, we can each reflect on the mixed bag of feelings that exists within the small the uneasy nervousness that Services as a ball or pit in our stomach. If only we had a magic Cape like our favorite superheroes but as humans we don't we're left to only rely on the natural ability and skills we developed over time and find the benefit and learning to trust the uncertainty of our healthy limitations. Typically in order to get our license, we complete both a written exam in a driving test.

4:08 Arguably, the driving test is the more difficult component of obtaining, a license because it is based on skill and knowledge. Whereas the written exam is mostly Based on knowledge. However, according to the hard easy effect, we are likely to be over confident in our ability to pass the driving test in under confident in How likely we are to pass the written exam. And as a result, we barely practice driving. Instead, focusing all of our time on studying for the Written Task, when it comes to the day of the exam, the heart easy effect may have made it easy for us to pass the written exam it, since we're too confident about our driving skills, we fail the driving test.

4:48 Just one simple explanation suggests, an answer might lie in how we choose to form perspective with our outcome, determined by how we frame things Our Guest today. Constantine Moran has had ample opportunity to learn how perspective can shape Our Lives. Adding to this make-or-break effect, that we often utilize when assessing our strengths and weaknesses during adverse and challenging times, born and raised in Eastern Europe during the Communist Terror. He moved to Canada at the age of seven. 18 to pursue the American dream.

5:20 Yes Canada gives a part of that dream. Although this new beginning offered him expanded opportunities for both growth and life. It wasn't without sacrifice as the host of the Unleashed thyself. Podcast program Constantine is on a mission to unleash the true potential within us. All by inspiring empowering guiding and supporting individuals on their life Journey. Constantine would like to welcome you to the light inside today. Thank you for joining us Jeffrey, such a pleasure to be here, and thank you so much for inviting me and I can't wait to spend this time with you and with the audience.

5:58 So glad to share your insights today. We've done a lot of pre discussion conversation around why we tend to a sometimes have a little over confidence in our abilities and be more importantly, why we sometimes struggle to self? Assess our abilities, our skills or competencies, and even our sense of confidence with that in mind and you'd like to start off today by looking at a recent study by the National Bureau of economic research, a paper that established a study group that assess their past performance.

6:34 On a recently taken tests, by doing this study, they were having the study group male and female take a test. And then estimate how well, they felt they Performed on that test within the study women, consistently rated their performance on the test lower than what they actually scored, and Men rating their performance higher than what they tended to do in their performance men. On average ranking themselves 61 percent of the time as higher than what they actually performed at or their actual score and women giving themselves 46% lower ranking than what their actual performance.

7:14 Once was in the same study, it was established that women struggle, more with self-image, yet men tend to inflate or compensate more socially as human beings. And especially men, are we sometimes expected to be the proverbial 10 feet tall, and bulletproof, I'm going to allow that to kind of stand as our framing. Question today, Constantine. Are we sometimes leading ourselves to believe that we have to be that kind of Equal 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I was say yes, cheffy, I mean I've seen it in my life and I like to look at myself first before I had fed through can others.

7:53 And absolutely the way I was raised not necessarily by my parents only but Society, grandparents everyone in my life. It led me to this believe that I have to be and foot tall and bulletproof, I can make mistakes. If I make mistakes I can't show them off to the world. Right? And all these things will factor in because you're a boy. Or you can show, emotions. You can cry, you pull your pants up, you gotta show up in the world and do the best that you can do. So you can provide for your family and for those around, you find that interesting to observe.

8:27 How much of this might lean on that premise of social conditioning conditioning, I'm struggling with my wording today. I'm gonna go knowledge that my skills are a little bit Rusty. Here, I'm gonna lean it, our man expected to be more self. Actuated in many regards, In our women, somewhat programmed historically to fall back or take that more submissive role. You know, that's somewhat of a rhetorical line of thinking yet, statistically I feel, we can see where these social norms are reflected throughout Society.

9:00 I'd be curious to jump into today and hear your perspective, or take on why you feel. This might be why it starts off to me, based on the idea that our Igor mind is there to protect us. So, If you look at societies, as a matter with Society, we look at, it's all about how do we instill rules and policies that will protect the source for will make it such that we continue progressing, but still staying the same. And I look at my culture, I was born in Eastern Europe, then I'm off to North America when I was 17, and then in Canada, and, of course, in the USA, as well as many other countries, you see so many cultures coming together, but they all bring their ideas, their preconceptions their norms.

9:43 And any Washington Tara and you realize the wait a second culture plays, such a huge role in how we develop as human beings and in a lot of cultures, of course, man and women are two differently. Despite us being humans at the other day were treated differently. And explain the different things in life, which, of course, puts you in a tiny box and dictates a bit of how your life should end up being. And why does the case again, I think it comes down to maintain the status quo. Maintaining a sort of Troll over the outcomes potentially and making sure that if we don't deviate from the norm, then it's less risk for us as a society, perhaps, or even as an individual to put ourselves In Harm's Way your friend that regard.

10:28 It's really interesting to me. Then to start looking at, where do some of those social norms fall into place, where do some of those cultural norms we learn within our in-groups and out-groups, you know, we start to see some of that Dynamic at play, Listen to Number of different podcast where it's interesting to look at how, you know, emotionally. We're taught and conditioned a lot of different things. Grief was a great example to look at, you know, how we view grief from society to society, from culture to culture in be a very differing in nuanced experience, some cultures, have this prolonged period of grief, this prolonged period of observation and respect where he have a lot of social norms and a lot of social patterns.

11:14 We're expected to observe other cultures you know, are less engaged to a by and large degree where to those other cultures. It might seem a little for. And so that's interesting to look at to me how that role plays out and does your absolute, right? And I see cultures, for example, grief and celebration go hand-in-hand. Yeah, yeah, we're celebrating someone's life as opposed to just being story that they're gone and that was a foreign concept to me as long and I noticed with friends that I have a Most people friends, how you can turn something negative into something positive in your own life because it the other day, something that's negative for you Jeffrey.

11:53 May as well be positive for me and vice versa. So, things are never really good or bad, we just apply those labels to them based. Of course, we just discussed how we grew up the culture, the society, religion politics, you name it and then we apply these labels on everything. And that of course, will then lead to perhaps, as A challenge insult, assessing, our songs properly because no one overconfident or under-confident like in the, in the study you shown, they get a great way to kind of frame things today and set, kind of an established starting point.

12:29 As we look at unhealthy confidence, it might be viewed as over assessing or inflating the value of your core abilities or competencies. This is a question. I'm posing to you, Constantine as a general overview and starting Today. How can unhealthy confidence affect our self assessment abilities? The obviously that's a great question. So ho Chan until impact. Well, first of all, it's all about giving us an inflated perception of our capabilities skills or knowledge. And I've struggled a personally in my life because there have been times when I let's say I'm from Romania to Canada and you Romania, I went to high school, there was a here to mathematics and computer science.

13:11 So my level of mathematics was fairly high for For the same grade level in Canada. So I was over comment on my car. You know, I'm coming from this country. I know college equivalent Mass. I'm going to do so good and then made me overconfident, but then I didn't factor in things such as language barrier. Perhaps some elements idea study in my school so that pose challenges in my life or at least in my early life in high school here because of this overconfidence and I was not properly self-assessing my skills.

13:41 Now when you overestimate your abilities like in the case you around, He's overlooking areas that need development and Improvement and I have many examples that as well for my own life again. And then of course, then leads to an effective decision maker because if I think I'm better than I am then I'm obviously going to make different decisions. Then if I had a more accurate representation of how, I am how I feel and what I can do and then of course you need support unit. He's opportunities for growth and learning you fail to finish projects, perhaps sometime or filter finish something period than you like just giving up.

14:14 Because, you know, I don't want to talk to you some more. So those are just some examples that come to mind right away. Again, interesting to me how we sometimes you utilize, those assessments to overestimate our abilities or downplay, our shortcomings you know where pattern by those past experiences. Also looking at that idea of our past experiences, what are some of the factors that influence our tendency to over inflate? Our abilities, either intrinsically Or extrinsically, I'm gonna frame it intrinsically being from ourself.

14:48 You extrinsically based on the feedback in compassionate, empathetic input. We received from others, then, frame it, y'all. So that's a, that's not a great way to dive deeper into this. And if you're looking for a signal like, what's within you, and it's a level of personal awareness, are you aware that you're making certain decisions or certain self assessments or that you're being overconfident rather confident. And I like to say this in my line of Of work Bay to my professional life, personal life, or anything else is idea that awareness is half the battle if I'm not aware that something is going on.

15:21 It's very hard for me to do anything about it or even allow others to hold me in that regard, right? So then you tell you from there you go to Ego development, you go to the character differences and for example, agreeableness is one of the five categories dates that you and I can have but your agreeableness could be very different than mine. Maybe he packed how I show up in the world and how I show up. So far, I like the socks for self-assessment that we talked about, right? There's so many other things that today's physical limitations, right?

15:51 On a bigger guy, you're a small guy. How am I going to show up? You know, let's see my group of friends have any skinny. I'm the bigger guy while now I'm going to be more insecure if a go out, right? I'm going to be more self conscious perhaps, and those are things that you may not realize until you stop and think about what's going on and how they can impact you. The only other thing I would add is like this idea of distortions that come into our mind. The cognitive distortions that start to happen because our brain is very good.

16:19 I was a brain, has a brain and ego very good at just looking to protect us. Keep the status quo and prevent us from making changes that could be seen as dangerous and any change for our brain and our ego. The way I see it is seen as dangerous. So once I realized personally that our brain and our ego are not there to hurt us, actually, there to protect us. Now, you can start working with them as opposed to against them. It's interesting to look at That framing even in some of the conditioning, we've been patterned believe we've been taught, we've observed throughout society that, you know, we do receive a lot of that message that that protection is working against us that it's something to be feared, you know, rather than seeing that from the other perspective that simply says, the things that protect us are working for our betterment.

17:06 For our good, to reach our optimal elevated. State of being an interesting interaction, Justice Past week on LinkedIn questioning where we might use that personality model that's typically shared in the Myers-Briggs and how often we use that or what value. We see that in our interactions as businesses over the last five years, I've kind of evolved into also comparing the five Factor model of personnel. You mentioned agreeableness, which is one of the core alphabetically first functions of five Factor model person.

17:44 The agreeableness extraversion being one of those factors. How L going on, re how open and available are we to interact with each other? So we have agreeableness extraversion conscientiousness, you know, how aware and open are we to things? How able are we to look at different perspectives and then openness itself being part of that five Factor model how vulnerable can we be? How accepting can we be? How Agreeable, might we allow ourselves. We've got in there neuroticism. Hey, Eileen to neuroticism because I can be highly neurotic you know that could be good and bad.

18:24 It can be beneficial adverse. You will put that out there and I love just touching the Jeffrey. Know you have I'll fight ya hit all five I thought I was missing.

18:44 It's 5:00. I don't know why. I sometimes find that difficult to remember, all five of those things and sometimes that perfectionistic trait, does crop up or I'm like, I should know this. Maybe how, you know, it was interesting to see in this conversation on LinkedIn. I'm going to reel it back to that how this idea of neuroticism and kind of stirred the pot kind of in this conversation. Well, we can't go around calling people in business or Ronnie, you know, people don't want to hear that. Well, there again, and that is a condition filter, what level of understanding or what filter are we applying to that notion of neuroticism, you know, neuroticism itself.

19:25 When we look at it, is our ability to kind of be fluid and flexible. That's or the converse of that, when we're in a more adverse state that neuroticism is, when we are a little bit more inconsistent and unpredictable in our Behavior. So when we get some of those filters out of the way of ego, and Ocean. Some of those conditions believes some of that your gears years back when we dealt with mental health, you know, well, their neurotic was suddenly the undesirable knesset was a stigmatized mental health that were still looking to overcome today with mental health awareness day.

20:02 Just being what? I'll go week ago, I feel we're fairly aware of mental health. Are we changing our perspective on Mental Health? Maybe becomes that next step? Exactly. We decide that also no longer and, you know, you Tasha, no five factors. And what's really interesting to me? And I've seen this in my life again as like how each one of them is heavily impacted by those filters. You mentioned and both internal filters will be applied based on what we see in the world, then what we've learned but also those conditionings.

20:34 You touch them and now we're going to expand that later. Yeah. To emphasize that idea that all of these elements and everything, we talked about this heavily heavily influenced, By our own biases. Yeah, you mentioned that role that awareness self awareness or introspection plays. How do you feel on the other side of that? We sometimes might stray off course a little bit with our own awareness and self. Assessing well, what are we stray is? At least I can I go look back at myself as if I'm overconfident.

21:08 If I'm someone that believes something is as good as you can get there. I'm not going to make any effort to continue learning to continue exploring other perspectives. So let's say, Jeffy, you and I are working together on a project you want to give me started feedback, already criticized me for something. I did, I won't be receptive to any of that, right? Doesn't matter how constructive or not it is, in fact I'm actually take it. Personally, I will impact the group dynamic, the work Dynamic that we have together.

21:38 That's an interesting to point to get a look at where we take that offense and What filters are triggering that kind of offencive reaction, you know, like interjected a little bit there. So, you know, that's a great. It's all comes out to fill this out. Maybe it's a time for us to talk about what filters are and why they come up maybe you want to touch with that. So to me a filter is essentially a lens through which we see ourselves of the world around us. And the example, I like to give say let's say, Jeffrey you and I we both have a pair of glasses, your glasses, just use a crystal clear.

22:14 Lines. And you see the world as it should be but my glasses have blue lenses on. Well, I'm going to see the world blue, no matter what I look, everything is going to be blue and that's what we do in our life with his eagle and says emotional lenses, whatever other lens you can think of because we keep applying this Lance's and we keep distorting the image will distort the perception of ourselves and others and now we allow it to influence our life and you I think you mentioned decided it's about removing those lines.

22:43 It's about removing Filters and seeing what's true leader?

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24:19 Picture yourself on a bright, sunny day, busily walking through the city, your schedule. Full your mind distracted by a busy to do list of activities. Plus you find yourself loaning to enjoy the first race of Summer, but, you know, all this stuff. Imagine, as you begin to step into the street, you see a city transit bus, fastly bearing down thinking, you have plenty of reaction time you suddenly You misunderestimated, either the angle of approach relative proximity or the rate of speed at which the vehicle is traveling in a best-case scenario.

25:06 You barely escaped being hit yet in the worst possible outcome. You're struck by the bus. If you were over confident in your ability to more accurately assess the circumstances, our situation as startling is this scene, maybe we often border on overconfidence in scenarios such as estimating or time of arrival. Or when achieving deadlines unhealthy confidence, therefore imposes, an adverse outcome based on our inability to more effectively. Self-assess emotional regulation is crucial to developing a healthy self concept as it involves managing, and expressing emotions in a balanced manner.

25:43 Allows individuals to understand and respond to their feelings appropriately. Emotional dysregulation, on the other hand, contributes to insecurity, disrupting this process when emotions are not Effectively regulated negative experiences could be magnified through emotional filters distorting one, self-perception ego, filters influenced by past experiences, can further amplify these insecurities, emotional suppression and unhealthy coping mechanism inhibits authentic emotional expression. Hindering self-acceptance, and reinforcing and security.

26:18 He's failing to self-doubt manifest in various circumstances, such as social interactions intimate relationships and Ation hindering personal growth and fulfillment by cultivating. Emotional regulation. We can foster a healthier self-concept and navigate life's challenges with greater confidence and resilience Constantine. We look at that angle in. This is something we focus on specifically not only in the podcast, but in our coaching practice at unconscious filters and how that plays a crucial role, in shaping that perspective.

26:52 But also forms that role in what we might perceive as a Limiting the ability for our perspective, making even that way, that we assess and evaluate what a limitation is, is subject to they have same filters, limitation for you might be different than the limitation for me as you form different goals and values. You might have a different core goal objective. My objectives and goals might be different. How do we align to Simply see those values as coexisting automatically becomes? That goal ultimately becomes at ability to simply just be more agreeable or conscientious more open and less neurotic.

27:34 Or, you know, neurotic any more beneficial way, will say not more or less even because that becomes a kind of a slippery slope of filter that is absolutely. And looking back at my childhood, let's say the example of showing vulnerability, which has a man. I was raised to again, never cry, never show emotion. So then it conflicts, you know, as you grow up and you have these emotions, you talked about grief or the beginning or you know, someone Close to You passes. I supposed to not cry because it's not manly, or can we remove the glass and say, wait a second Advance.

28:09 It doesn't, it's not something I want. Deep down in my heart, it's something that was imprinted on me earlier in my life, it doesn't serve me anymore. I want to remove the plants and that's where the real work begins. Because now I'm aware that there's a lance. I'm aware of the fact, it doesn't agree with what I want to be. And I can go ahead and try to remove it. And if you have those two steps, you can remove it, it just takes time and work. It's a great place to look at that idea again, of art introspection, I've found through my work and through my interactions, especially communicating with other individuals on the podcast, where sometimes we run into that introspection.

28:49 Illusion bias. Yes, there are certain things that we do that until somebody else. Points them out compassionately and empathetically. Hopefully that we don't recognize because they are an unconscious pattern that we don't have that ability to kind of put on the lens and glasses to see. You know, we're a little bit cloudy and unfocused on why we do certain things myself included until recently. I kind of hit that knowledge that sometimes I do over intellectual. Nice things. It's not to say that our intellect is inherently good or bad.

29:31 I do sometimes bypass that emotional interaction. That's valuable in a benefit in feeling what other people are feeling, can become very intimidating. We just acknowledge that in a past episode on ego. It's a good way to look at it because we're very good as human beings to overestimate our ability. To actually look at how we understand. You know, workings how we faint. Why we think a certain way, while we take a certain action and I'm not different than you and others, We All Fall prey to that at times, you know, life sometimes more often than we'd like to admit but how do we get over it?

30:09 Right is by doing a self-assessment by peeling, back the layers which include land says, another self development practices. But yeah that's that's the goal, right? It's like how do we look at these solutions that were creating for ourselves and allow others to help us? But also help ourselves get out of the dilution From that perspective, we look at how our emotions Act is filters through, which we interpret the world. And for example, when we're feeling angry, or fearful or emotional filter, may lead us to interpret situations in a negative or threatening way, you know, we talked about taking offense to somebody's feedback.

30:46 Now, there is a fine line there. You know, we talk about complexity today, that fine line of is this person being compassionate and empathetic is Is person understanding of how I'm feeling. Does this person? Take my perspective into consideration? We are patterned a lot of times in our upbringing to Simply emotionally react, I feel fear or I feel anger, I feel insecurity. So, I'm lashing out, I'm looking to blame. I'm looking to place the reasoning somewhere else, sometimes that trauma-based healing that needs to occur can make it difficult to Simply.

31:26 Remove ourselves from that perspective. Would you not agree or absolutely 100% of that then you touched on something beautiful that. I mean, fear is her is a big or significant emotional filter because what fear has done for me, for example, it gets me to underestimate my abilities and my potential times. Y, That's it, can lead me to avoid research challenges which might be growth opportunities. But I could allow fear to be like, who I don't want to have this deep conversation with Jeffrey today because Not prepared.

31:56 I don't know enough or are not perfect yet. Well, that's a missed opportunity right there. Whereas feeling for growth because you learn in this process and it doesn't have to be perfect. It's never going to be perfect because you can always take a sec and they sack, I realize we say, I could have done anything differently, and then there's no Perfection, right? Look at that idea of perfect. You know, we form that filter ourselves anyway. Yeah, I can look at the Active baking, I'm a former chef. The active bakey I do, feel my skill.

32:28 Level in the baking realm is not on your comparable level to a lot of other people. I can look at that with a healthy assessment and say, my results. When I make a cake, I don't tend to hit as frequently based on how I've developed those skills based on other Bakers. I can have a healthy perspective about that and say in order for me to make the cake that I'd like to make, I can increase their skills, I can move toward unaware. Is of perfecting no skills. I'll say perfecting. I think we sometimes had that unhealthy fear of the idea of perfection itself.

33:04 Yes, let me ask you this. This is actually interesting. Father, came to mind, right? Yeah. As you talk about the Perfection, what I ask myself lately, and I asked people as well in the audience and otherwise, it's the profession. You're striving for for yourself, then, perfect. Go for it. Or is it because of someone you're looking up toward, you want to be like, because if it's not for you, You, you're likely not going to make it and the process can be very painful as going to be very frustrated.

33:31 I think that that can itself be a double-edged sword. Are we looking at what mode of comparison you're operating from your? Are you looking from an insecure standpoint where you see yourself as unworthy because you aren't reaching that? Does that become an emotionally triggering thing? That does diminish. Your sense of accomplishment that does keep you from feeling some sense of fulfillment, That that old equation is Young. I don't often like to lean into sports comparisons because Sports and life can be very different but that old comparison with Michael Jordan and be like Mike we can look at how a healthy relationship to that can drive you to excel, Michael Jordan himself, we dissect, probably a million and one different ways as a human being with a lot of judgments and variables, but from a more objective standpoint, Point, he utilized a lot of those same Concepts to reach that healthy Pinnacle of his output and performance that ability to say I'm like you but I'm not like you.

34:38 I'm like this person but I'm me Don, I know and understand where my performance level is. I drive myself relentlessly. Now, I can't speak for Michael Jordan and what his career path ever has been his personal path as a human being, but by a lot of perspectives, there was some healthy driving that you can also see where some of that are I say become unhealthy because others felt that drive and diminish themselves by it exactly know. That's a great example and I love it a lot because of the idea that when you look at someone as a role model, I see Michael.

35:16 In this case, I looking at the role model because they achieved so much success and they have so much money and everyone talks about them. What are you looking for specific values that they uphold perseverance, work, ethic, whatever values, you really like to bring into your life. And when I shift that bicep for me, from putting some on a pedestal and be like, I want to be the next Michael Jordan. No, I ask you. To be the next Constantine. I'm the only one. That's the one I want to be and I refrain my entire mentality around thinking about competing with myself.

35:47 Am I better than I was yesterday a month ago and a year ago, there's only person I want to. I want to compete against because that's the only person I know if I could be the guest you Jeffrey. There's so many things. I don't know. Hey, how you grew up, what's going on your life or anything else? So then when you start to compare yourself with others, is when I've noticed myself, Or shorter than 40. My face. I go either overconfident or under-confident. I, you know, have a fragile ego at times for example because I feel heart.

36:20 If someone doesn't see me things of that nature and its really interesting. Like I said, we can't I say this A Million Ways looking at that idea, then of the ego filter coming into play that self-assessment. It's self even how we communicate. It are those filters stepping in place, do we bulk under that? The idea of comparing social statuses can become very valuable from a lot of perspectives to compare social status. If your goal is to reach that social status, it only becomes unhealthy when it starts to demoralize, our sense of self where we start to devalue.

36:56 Our sense of self can also become very valuable where you're able to step away and say, I don't give two flying flips about what those people make, or even what I make, because that's not my core value. I get coaching offers every day to grow Denna die. What do you want to scale to? I'll be got honest, those aren't values that drive me there, not core values for me to important to make an income. We have a lot of ways in our household to make income. Do I allow that to become my core concept? Hell, no, I'm not money.

37:34 I'm not what I make that doesn't validate to me. What my value in this world is. Is I could be completely happy and content living under a rock. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it today. Yeah, trigger somebody maybe look at your filters, I'll select threatening in that to you. Ultimately what makes you feel insecure? What are you projecting upon it? Why does that become inferred with your emotional interactions? Why now, do we start to assimilate those things? Are we looking at the social and cultural norms, again being the filters that automatically, Just leave their blocking us.

38:11 Oh, that's so beautiful Jeffrey and I couldn't agree more. And until a couple of years ago I was in that mindset has wall or I need to acquire more. I need to chase the perfect American Dream, North American Dream, how we are looking at More Money More possessions. And as I was climbing the corporate ladder and I was chasing More Money, More validation, the less happy I was and you realize the money is not what makes you happy - Norma brings you the satisfaction. And that Joy is not add value that.

38:41 Most people can all joy out of and again about themselves as a beautiful human soul, we've kind of took a little turn their into the extrinsic motivation of that. You know, we look at motivation, a lot of times from an either-or equation, either a motivated. Or I'm not when we take that to a perhaps more complex view of motivational factors they're literally for every action, we Have throughout the day. An infinite number of factors that are influencing why and how and what we do in any action, we do, motivational factors.

39:20 It's not necessarily that black-and-white thinking of either or either I'm motivated or I'm not from my certain perspective, they're getting am willing to trade this out. Anytime from that perspective, what are all those factors? Sometimes that, Motivation is unconscious. You're doing something that you intrinsically know you inherently need in that moment. This drive to extrinsically validate, sometimes I have to get this job done. Well, there's a part of you right now that you haven't given your awareness and attention to that needs the rest that needs to do something.

40:00 A lot of times it's that unfulfilled need of Simply being in the wrong scenario for yourself serving the wrong goals values. Purpose says, sometimes we can over identify with that notion of purpose, I'm only sitting here to this earth to do. One thing can become a very limiting perspective. If you allow it to be, I'm going to throw the challenge is out there because I know from a certain perspective, they can be challenging, you know, we struggle with that idea. Of what is my purpose to be here?

40:33 Basically, we can make that anything we want. We can see purpose into everything, you know. The more purposes, we see the more ability we have to be purposeful in our actions we real that back into black and white thinking. I've only got one purpose to be here. If you're not meeting that purpose, what happens usually there's an emotional response. Usually there's an external validation that we feel like we're not meeting. There's an unconscious filter play. Our ego is wounded. I'm not feeling now that I'm of worth and value because I formed this perception that there's only one way I could do that.

41:09 Sometimes we have to pull that facade down, give it a good kick in the pants and say it's the way we're looking at things that is keeping us stuck here because we're only seeing one way of doing things and it's a beautiful reminder of what we see around us in the world all the time. Professional athletes retiring after a beautiful career and then feeling empty because the purpose is gone. Now the no longer enough said maybe a parent and I've seen this in my life I'm not a parent myself but I've seen others What they identified as a palette.

41:41 That was a purpose in life and then the children grow up and move out and now they lost his sense of identity. So I like the idea of looking at your purpose as not just one thing, especially something that's tied externally to you. By looking more in words, is your purpose to be in service of others? Is your purpose to show a lot more. However, the main look for you, what is the purpose? And if I let's say from a parent to my purpose is to today's beautiful children and that's my purpose will go deeper.

42:08 What does it mean? Whatever you want to be in service of others. Maybe you want to share, love with someone and raise them so they can have a huge impact on the world and now your purpose is tied not necessary to something like that's outside of you. But more to internally to you from your perspective Constantine, what are the more common patterns and behaviors associated with unhealthy confidence and ineffective, self-assessment a great question, that Jeffrey. So, common behaviors associated with her healthy confidence may include an unwillingness to accept Except it uses and feedback we mentioned it earlier.

42:41 But also these regarding your opinion or others opinion or perspectives because I believe I'm right. You are wrong baby, because of how you look or what you believe in or who you support. It's also about overestimating one's skills and capabilities. We talked about us all in the bus and also the inability to recognize our own shortcomings and mistakes and really these behaviors what they do unfortunately or fortunately, they look at this, they Will lead to a distorted sound perception, strange relationships.

43:12 Because of course, if I'm not accepting your feedback, I'm disregarding your opinion. How is that going to impact our relationship? Likely not very well. And of course, it impacts ultimately your ability to grow and improve as a human being. Because if you put yourself up on such a high pedestal and, you know, everything and you are the perfect person. Then? Why? Why continue learning? Why continue growing That's a great one to sit on. From this insight about our perspective. Are there specific biases that may arise that hinder our ability to self assess at times.

43:53 That's an obvious question, Jeffrey? Because there are quite a few biases that I've noticed in my life and since I've been able to correct, to some degree. But for example, one is fairly famous scene psychologist, dunning-kruger effect. What is essentially people? Like you and I we have a little bit of a specific task, but we overestimated to be able T, like, when I started doing my own Pockets, I'm like, oh, I'm such a good speaker. I'm going to do all these things and then you overestimated, but then you can start to realize this, I got there's so much more to learn, there's so much more to do, but then there's also confirmation bias and this have something that showed up in my life.

44:27 Often earlier in my life, you're favoring information that confirms an existing belief, so I'll take public speaking. Something that I used to dislike big-timing, school and University. If you're even in my early professional career and I would always look for in for sense reinforcers, that would tell me oh I'm better public speaking. So maybe I fumbled on stage, maybe I spoke too fast or some words came out. There are way instead of looking at it holistically and saying, well, yeah, I had of those fumbles but I also did these amazing things and people appreciated the work I put in and the message is sent across and then you have the self-serving bias which is you're actually putting success to yourself.

45:08 So I guess I've had it before. It's like, wow, I was in school. I got an A+ in this course, that's only because I'm amazing and I put in the work, right. But then I got to see in another class. Well, now, that's because of Jeffrey. He's a terrible teacher, and all that's because my parents didn't, let me study what I wanted, right? Or something happened. And that's something that shows up in your life and you don't even realize. And again, that's self-serving bias. And the last one I want to mention is self-enhancement bias.

45:38 You perceive yourself more positively than the object would be, are overestimating your positive attributes and underestimated your negative ones. So these are all biases that will show up in your life. Most of us anyway at one point or another and until I can we become aware that these are possibility and they show up. It's very hard to sense it in the moment. Do you know of any other? This is not a game of one-upmanship today, but I feel like we're on a good path because there, So many different ways that we've kind of dissected these behaviors as human beings.

46:13 I stumbled across a great website about a year and a half ago. Called the decision, lab.com organization that focuses specifically on looking at our experience of heuristics and biases throughout our lives, especially in organizational settings. If they've listed, I think upwards of about a hundred and eighty eight different ways that We experienced biases and heuristics throughout our lives. Wow, you mentioned several that you know are very pertinent as we experience these filters. That limit our ability to self assess experiential.

46:50 Rationalization is kind of a bigger umbrella, one that kind of Embraces, those experiential. Rationalization is why we justify our decisions and actions based on past experiences experiential. Rationalization were rationalizing. Why we do certain things. We're looking sometimes to blame and subjugate why we did things we're looking to validate externally sometimes with our rationalizations. For instance, if I my, if you rationalize a bad decision by focusing on the positive experience, instead of recognizing it as a failure or mistake, you'll be more likely to repeat the same behavior and similar situations selective reinforcement takes place.

47:38 Whether we see it as positive or negative can be both beneficial and adverse. Sometimes, if we're overly positive about something and neglect to look at the negative aspect where our skills might be lacking, we're emotionally. We might be suppressing. We're from an ego filter. We might since a void in our self-concept, our sense of identity can become selective reinforcement, both good and bad but And even - both healthy and unhealthy but beneficial and adverse. Now, as you can see, I'm trying to go down different scenarios here and not only look at from one black and white angle of thinking, what often happens is the ostrich effect bias, the cognitive bias where we nor past experience, and data.

48:28 In order to confirm, our past belief, they're getting nodding to your confirmation bias heuristic shortcuts result in our thinking and reasoning. Reasoning heuristic shortcuts are just simply ways. We try to come to a quicker conclusion. Easiest way to frame it, will go the Simplicity on this and make Simplicity work. Sometimes those shortcuts are beneficial. A lot of times those shortcuts can omit pertinent data can become very biased in limit. What were able to consider? I love that. I also like to look at it this way.

49:05 I'm a techie guy walking tai chi have about the Greek Your science. And I'm good my computer that I have Windows 11, which means I'm running. The latest operating system might not be the best in the world, but it's more than it has any technology. But the way I see it, our brain or ego, usually runs on our dated software. So you might be Windows 98 and it will instantly house and because like you were giving examples earlier, it's going back to our early childhood and picks up on those programs that were back then and apply them in our life because we can't, I always sit on a decision or seconds or minutes, it has to be quick.

49:41 Our subconscious has to act on our behalf and again it's all about protection and keeping us safe. So what it does is not that we don't have a choice and we can't do anything about it but rather that what we can go in and change this programming so we can update the software. So if I'm acting on 30 year old software like in my case or how can I go in and change that to a more modern one, we're looking at that level of implicit and explicit memory implicit is To imply you lot of times were in that unconscious habit of implying our reasoning explicit.

50:15 Again, being that more kind of factual validated reasoning. You know, we move through different areas of the brain. When were aligned when were engaged when we're self-regulated emotionally were working out of the prefrontal cortex more explicit in our memory. When we're kind of emotionally, activated Reese, Sponding from that. Activation were working from the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the hypothalamus areas of the brain that don't require as much of that. Conscious feedback and awareness simply respond, simply try to ensure my continued safety.

50:56 My continued existence, my continued being there are times like when we go to step in front of a bus, do we have time to get across the street? Or are we going to get smacked? We have to operate quick. In those actions in order to guarantee our survival? Are we able to kind of slow the framework down a little bit? And say let's put this in, slow motion a little bit. Yeah there again we get a lot of programming. Why do we have to rush to action on time? What's driving that Rush? What's driving that knee?

51:25 What pushes that sense of urgency? What are the motivational factors? Who are we trying to appease is an external validation? Are we answering to some insecure inner filter? That says, if I don't do this right now, suddenly I'm of lower worth. He's love to hear your thoughts on that, because it does come down to your own beliefs, about yourself and your, at the end of the said, you're worth your personal works. Well, if growing up, I had the message that not enough but I'm not Good enough, the way I am.

52:01 But I am not right? Because I'm trying to be different that's gonna manifest in exactly what you explained in my life because I'm always going to look for things to prove myself that I am enough and then if something happens that goes against it or reminded have been enough. So now I'm going to continue on that path earn of reinforcing beliefs that I don't hold in my heart or even my by but they are done at the subconscious level. So I again I like to go back to the idea of realign with yourself and your wife.

52:30 Find that purpose. You're talking about earlier, expand on it. Like what resonates with you and what doesn't start? Questioning? It start becoming aware of it and then you can do the work which we'll talk about later as we consider these differing aspects. As we consider these ideas of bias that we've mentioned, how might be States? Lead us to sometimes over-identify at times, either with ourselves with circumstances with our emotions. So it comes to over identifying with ourselves and our emotions.

53:04 I also like to look at two concepts that I used to get confused by. And I hear a lot of talk about this which is idea about fragile ego or the inflated superhero and they can overlap it, right? Because you're like, oh, but they could be the same thing but not really because of fragile ego which is something again. I struggled with in the past is often characterized by a sense of insecurity a high degree of sensitivity to criticism because it take it personal. Oh Jeffrey. Something, I guess the option and this is way too personal and also cause a need for reassurance and affirmation.

53:37 Are you seeing what I'm doing? Are you happy with what I'm doing? Please tell me I'm doing a good job, right? That's the fridge. Anyway, because again and learned behaviors, but then, your inflated super-ego is actually quite different, because it's an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, for others, or Compassion, or love, or any of those, and a tendency to disregard of this means the perspectives of Feelings of others. So when you're looking at, how do you over identify these?

54:04 These are things that can show up in your life, to then, you know, over identify as someone that has a superpower or you're an overachiever and how does the show up in your life? And if I have a fragile ego, I'm a over identify with my weaknesses and perceived shortcomings. But if I have a, let's say a super-ego, right? And phrase super-ego, then I will do the opposite, I will overemphasize my strengths and my Achievements and you see how they will start to show up differently new life that we can we can touch on that and it's great that we look at those ideals ideals.

54:38 I say they're somewhat socially conditioned beliefs about high achievement or overachieving individuals. We start to look at where those emotional responses start to command. We start to look at how that ego filter starts to come and play. So your Eagle Scout those of course your emotional filters. We thought. talked about a bit about the definition behind both of these Why? When I look at emotional filters which is something that again comes up a lot more talking about the overachievers again, you know, I'm one of them people that have a fragile ego or super-ego.

55:17 If emotion filters will color your perception causing you to either over amplifier downplaying certain aspects and we touched a bit on fear earlier, right. But it's also Pride the shame and is so much more but I'll give you an example in my case. Shame. If I feel shame about the political aspect of my subtle, see my weight, my size. Right? What happens that? Well, I'm 18, I heard, um, play it so that I have asked you so perception, but it can also lead me to hyper-focus on the perceived flaw. I could be the perfect weight and size 4 or the, the age amount, and my fitness level, and my goals in life.

55:54 But because I'm allowing external internal factors to come in. I know hyper focus on those flaws and what happens, then it's at the expense. Pensive recognizing our sites. So there's a matter how good of a partner, I am how good of a human being and how good of a worker I am. If I focus on those rods, that's all that matters. No reminds and again, I'm sure many of us have gone down that path and meds. It's not a pleasant path to be on. Let's put it that way. You talk about that level of focus. So often that kicks us into what's known as a anticipatory anxiety.

56:29 He start to ruminate what We perceive is going to happen. We start to speculate we start to project we go over and over. Yep I'd look at the idea of ruminated thinking and how it's often labeled as over thinking It's not necessarily that we have an overage of thought were just running the same pattern in cycle. The thought it's anxious. Thought anxious, anticipatory thought, we're starting to guess what we believe is going to happen. It how other people are going to perceive it. So if the enemy nation is another big one because you always look back again.

57:08 I say you were as in looking talking to myself, look back and then you can think of now. Ten different ways you could have done better. I guess, what? Now, you have a hinge side bias because, of course, we're gonna think about an interaction. We had or something we did and be like, wow, there's so many other ways to do it. You can do it so much better. Instead of looking at it from a growth mindset of like I've done that. I can celebrate the good parts but I can learn from the parts. I don't necessarily agree with.

57:36 Now, what I consider the bed and I come from a background where fixed mindset was the note again, we steaks being punished, mistakes, have to be hidden. You have to strive to be perfect by growth wise that allows you to be like, you know what, I can fall down and I'm still constantina people have similar view, right? I can make mistakes and Jeffrey still gonna be my friend. That's that's what I want people to get out of this. In the audience is that we can learn from all of these mistakes. Challenges fails without beating ourselves up all the time.

58:10 We love that you mentioned that idea of fixed nests in our mindset. It's your mindset, being the attitudes in values and parameters that are guiding our thinking or thought or cognition are filters and Frameworks. Sometimes that idea of growth mindset. Do you believe at times, it can itself become somewhat fixed in limiting. That's a good question and you know what I've done other so Sabbath, I thought about it. Of course, if you can because again, it's if you don't think the buyer says you're working with, if you don't fix your internal belief, And the Lancers.

58:45 We talked about the do your emotional or ego Lance's then, of course, your growth wisest will be impacted by that and it will be limited to some degree. So it's not like you can say, hey, I'm just going to call it a girl - a journey now and ignore everything else because it's not going to work, okay? It's a great area for us to point out today. You know, sometimes when we do get locked into patterns of toxic positivity, you know, that in and of itself can be an emotionally activating statement, toxic Positivity.

59:15 I've been told and condition that positivity is all to make goal. If been told to move away and neglect, the negative aspects of things. Sometimes that kicks Us in again to that experiential, rationality sometimes that kicks us into that ostrich effect. Where I'm now Burying my head in the sand and running away from the fact that there are negative aspects to be aware of, to be open to conscientiously. Sitter and I love you brother top because as it is decent conversation with my parents, we're getting on born in during the Communist a Time leave most of their life there.

59:55 And this idea I brought up was like okay let's leave from a place of positivity. I love where we look at anything that happens in our life, from that lands. And now he's challenged our world. If you look at the positive, how what do you do with a -? Because there's so much negativity around us and my take was and I'm curious to see European here, Jeff has all, but my take was that well Yes negativity won't be there all the time. You're not ignoring it ideally student in your example. You're not putting it under the dirt under the sand.

1:00:23 You're actually acknowledging it but you're not focusing. All your attention on it and just sitting with like this such a terrible thing more like celebrate the positives lead from a place of Love while acknowledging the negativity piece and see how changing or shifting your mindset, can allow you to tackle the challenges in your life without being bogged down or Paralyzed by the Fear the pain, the shame that comes with something negative in your life, you need to be. That draws us into that aspect of the five Factor model of Personality agreeableness.

1:00:55 Sometimes we can agree and disagree, that things are both positive and negative. You know, we can shift those perspectives in allow those filters to kind of dissolve or sometimes willingly switch them in and out. I over the last several years I've required reading glasses and now pretty much. When I drive or anytime, you know I'm viewing things at a distance. I need classes. You know, I have to have that filter in order to be able to see if I ignore those filters and don't put them in a place. Literally, everything is blind to me, distance of five feet of more.

1:01:32 I'd everything becomes a blur. Sometimes, we have to be able to be agreeable to put those glasses on and see things from that perspective. Yes, great example. I could be dope. Destroys. All right let's say if you lived in the mountains by yourself and there was no one around you, do you need the glasses because you have all Beauty all around you and you know it but of course in many scenarios, we need to be open to allowing those Lance's to come and go as they serve a purpose for us. And in this example, you gave it serves a purpose, a clear purpose for, you allows you to navigate life easier to see the beauty around you to see the Angels write any of those elements.

1:02:12 But again, if I lived in the mountains for me, Not be that important. You know, we've gotten real philosophical today and I feel sometimes those are very powerful messages to put out there. Let's look a little bit more procedural and how we look at this. Do you feel Constantine? Sometimes that, ultimately insecurity plays. A central role in our ability to more effectively self-assess s. Absolutely and I think with option A couple of these insecurities that come out for shame, maybe through fear and others and they absolutely play a huge Being our ability to self assess because if I'm insecure about an aspect of myself maybe my public speaking then of course I'm going to self-assess as if I'm a poor public speaker and I'm going to focus on those times of stumbled, I focus on the mistakes I made and less focus on the positive aspects and maybe the aspects that will allow me to elevate my ability to public speak to a point where I would be happy with myself.

1:03:11 We've shared such a rich in insightful, interactions. They constituted. I feel like we've probably reached the Pinnacle of our direction today. Would you agree? Yeah, I mean, like you said absolutely. I gave first of all but second of all, like I said, we could be talking about this for hours and hours and hours. They say it a million and a half ways, but it's got to stop somewhere. So people have time to digest. See what resonates with them as start looking inwards. So do you feel there are any point we might have missed in the course of our conversation thus far?

1:03:43 Well, I think It's a good place for us to to handle the conversation. Might be some practical steps that we can utilize for overcome these adverse effects of unhealthy confidence, having improving your self-assessment, right? And again, these are things that work for me, may or may work for every person. But what I realized in my life is that you have to try things. But I for a date, I for seven days. If it doesn't work with on a shelf and come back to the five years, maybe you'd be ready, done and it will have an impact on you.

1:04:13 The first one of course for me was cultivating self-assessment. So, what does that mean? While I develop a deeper understanding of myself, my values, my strengths my weaknesses, my emotional triggers, and I emphasize emotional triggers because those are big one, but partner does something that triggers me and then my ego gets in and my mind gets in and I react right away without even having a chance to think about. While those are things, I know, deep down inside that I don't want you having my life yet.

1:04:40 If I don't become aware of them, what can I do? Do so practicing mindfulness and self-reflection can help a lot and when I say self-reflection just sit down with yourself, have a chat, be open. I like to use my outer voice when I shout with myself and allow feelings to come up, I'm not pushing them down and they come out like a volcano. One is new to me, I was saying, that's again, based on those learned behaviors is embracing vulnerability and humility. Can I be vulnerable? I share with you Jeffrey, what's really been bugging me.

1:05:11 And all my shortcomings. We show some of those? Well yes I do. Is that it be vulnerable with yourself. I went through a period of depression for seven months last year, and in that time, a lot of amazing things happen but you think I focused on any of them? Of course not. I was just in the pity party of myself. I was in France away pushing family away, and just sitting with my emotions and not doing anything with it, until, of course, it becomes self-aware. So again, vulnerability and humility are both hugely important.

1:05:42 Now seeking consult, Constructive feedback. I do this in my professional life and my personal life and I know I need to do more, let's say after this conversation, Jeffrey, I want to come to you and say, well, what could I have done better? What did you like, what didn't you like, and constructive feedback is not all about the Negative Zone and I think that's what I was getting at the beginning. It's acknowledging the good parts but also looking at what could have been done better and not from a point of judgment, not from a point of being like, they make too many mistakes but more from point of wall, you did good.

1:06:09 But I think you can do it better by doing it this way. And of course, Practicing emotion intelligence, we talked a lot about that setting realistic goals developing a growth mindset. There are many tools that people can employ in their life and the last on the my favorite one is engaging in continuous one like you do right now. If you're listening to this podcast, you're engaging in continuous learning and understanding different perspectives or at least allowing them to come into your mind, right?

1:06:37 It's like planting seeds, you may not agree with everything. Now you may not see value in everything right now but the seed, make your Wanted and maybe tomorrow week from now five years from now, you will blossom into this beautiful flower and it can benefit you. So, I want to leave it there because I know I covered a lot of different tools that have helped me in overcoming. Some of those biases. We talked about and the fragile ego and super-ego and all those things that we discussed. I want to thank you for sharing these wonderful insights today, can't detain.

1:07:07 I will also compliment you on being so clear and concise in your ability to kind of shape these Up for us today. Thank you so much for sharing your light with us, Jeffrey. I want to thank you as well. It's been a pleasure and it's been lovely to get to know you and spend some time and discuss these beautiful topics with you.

1:07:29 Although it's never too late to learn how to develop healthy self concept. This process is at its most challenging during our adolescence and early. Adulthood, as with many things in life, we often learn from our second third. Or even fourth. Try in this regard. We can look at our growth through the lens of a garden. When we plant an apple tree. We don't expect to eat the fruits of our Harvest right away doing so leaves us hungry just like that. Apple tree, sometimes we have to plant that seed with a future Prospect in order to enjoy the fruits of our Bounty or journey of self actualization travels through ever changing seasons.

1:08:09 We plant, we nurture, we wait with patience, we grow. Then we enjoy the bounties of our actions. We learned today that the ego and our emotions can call her the lids of our perceptions and filter our Outlook. They can also block our ability to take a longer more vulnerable. And honest. Look inside pausing, a moment for introspection and seeking compassionate empathetic constructive feedback, allows us to see things through new eyes, the found this episode meaningful, please share it with a friend, or loved one and as As always, we're grateful for you.

1:08:45 Our valued listening commune this has been the light inside. I'm Jeffrey piece occur.