Emotional Insecurity: Behind Every Fight, Or Flight Rests a Scared and Misunderstood Inner Child

This is the light inside, I'm Jeffrey, be sicker today.

We look at a story of an unsung hero manooj Agarwal was an

exceptionally, brilliant and vibrant chat, sensitive and

intelligent. He was a compassionate young man

who had an affinity for the written word, visioning him to

one day. Rise to great, career

aspirations, and Heights, his parents, especially his father

Held, High Hopes And expectations for Manish,

expectations that perhaps boarded.

On an unhealthy Obsession for such a young and impressionable

child. This left manooj feeling

bewildered unnoticed and unappreciated when all that.

He really wanted was to Simply feel loved and accepted to add

insult to injury manooj watched as his parents were constantly

at odds feeling as though he had to linger as an intermediary and

his parents relationship, the agonizing consuming, emotional

upheaval in turmoil at times unbearable.

And as a result, the news often found himself searching for a

world of fantasy, as his only means of Escape his curiosity,

filled the gnawing void, he often felt throughout his life.

You see manooj, never found himself, good enough or worthy

one fateful evening manoosh. Now in his early 30s finds

himself drowning in a pool of depression, feeling the elastic

in it t and add his Louis. When you saw his emotional

levels, plummet to unbearable lows, And in his deepest

despair, he even questions. His will to survive, he

discovers himself at his wits. End, deeply in need of help.

Find out how uncovering the source of his inner childhood

wounds led manouche to a new lease on life, empowering him to

thrive and prosper. When we return to the light

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Childhood. It's a time of Innocence

exploration and Discovery yet. Unfortunately, for some it can

also be a time of emotional insecurity and Trauma.

This trauma can manifest itself later in life, as an inner

wounded, child and emotionally, and it e, which can heavily

influence, an individual's Behavior.

Mental health, in our outlook on life.

In this episode, we'll discuss the various symptoms of an inner

wounded child and how it can shape one's life.

We will also examine the impact of emotional insecurity on the

development of an inner wounded, child, and the potential methods

of healing and restoring balance throughout our lives, by

understanding the wounded child, and its roots.

We can gain insights into the emotional landscape.

Guiding us. All we can also learn to move

past the inner psychological pain that when left unchecked

calendar for an entire lifetime manoosh, you've had a unique

experience of inner child, wounding yourself growing, A up

under an impoverished in challenging lifestyle, in India,

and coming from a broken home, you face such hardship and

adversity is a child. Could you share with our

listeners a little bit more about your journey and how that

led to your core inner child? Wounds?

Yeah. Well as you said, you know, I

grew up in India and I in a very small town and it was a broken

home. My mom had some challenges with

mental health with, with a lot of trauma that she He had

experienced and I, of course, as a child, you don't realize what

is going on. You just want to be loved and

held and understood. And my, my dad was pretty much a

workaholic. And I don't know, maybe how the

dynamic played between my Mom and Dad, I'm pretty sure, you

know, one sort of fed the other. So, my drama began trying to

understand why this was happening to me.

I was a bright child. I was, you know, always sort of

in the top ranks in my class. So As a child, I was always

confused like, what else can I do to get noticed, or get

appreciated? And the only thing I had was

like, I was not good at sports. I was not good at like, a lot of

extracurricular activities and because of the way that, you

know, the home environment was, I was extremely introverted.

So I was not able to make a lot of friends.

The only thing I had going for me was like my intellect, my

ability to read books and sort of do well in exams.

So I put my Soul into that. And, you know, still it didn't

really make a difference in my life as in getting notice or

appreciate it. So that is where the trauma

started. Like, you know, trying to figure

out the meaning of life. Trying to figure out why am I

not good enough? Why am I not loved?

And what do I need to do? To be whole to be complete?

And I think that trauma is what pushes you to extreme boundaries

in your life, and your profession and your later life

and other. Relationships.

So that is that is sort of the basis of where that seed was

planted. So menus as a child would, your

parents were going through some of these challenges and traumas

in their own relationship. How did their behavior make you

feel? Yeah.

It does mostly, you know, typical yelling matches and sort

of, you know, silent treatments and sort of, you know, just like

an environment of isolation for everyone because you know, when

one person is angry another Some sort of goes quiet and then you

have to find your own boundary so that you don't like, you

know, mess up and create another another problem.

So, generally, it used to be like isolation for each person

in the household. And that's why I spent numerous

hours in my room by myself, like, just, you know, reading

books and things like that. And so, that was sort of the

environment to that, I grew up in.

So, as I sit with you in those Emotions I feel that pain and

challenge in my heart for me, it's such a poignant space, you

know, and I can relate to that from my own childhood

experiences who I went through a little phase.

You know. It's a little phase that might

be a little diminishing, a face of bullying and hazy room.

I Junior High years struggling to feel like I fit in.

So absence of isolation is very poignant for me and I can feel

that pain so yeah exactly thank you for sharing.

Ring that vulnerability with us today.

So from my experience dealing with that isolation is very

difficult. How did you personally manage

that? Yeah so as I started growing up

as you said like try to find the meaning as a little child about

about life and as you have growing up your parents start to

become less important than your friends.

Circle start to become more important, you start to relate

to them more. But now as that desire, To

relate doesn't is not reciprocated.

Then you again start to reinvent yourself.

So, in my case, I was like, oh, you know, all these guys love

sports. So let me try to get into sports

and I did miserably in sports and get got laughs dad.

I was like okay you know this didn't work then I tried going

to drama school music and all that that I was no good at that.

So it didn't work and then there were a couple of times where I

was first in the class in studies.

And then, all of a sudden I had people coming to me and saying,

hey, can you share your notes with me?

Can you tell me how did you do this in this exam?

So I was like, okay now I get it.

So if I am able to, you know, study well then, I will get more

friends. Let me just focus on that.

And during that time, also, you know, I remember, one incident I

was in, I was a teenager, like, I think 14 or so, and one of my

friends started bodybuilding and he developed some big muscle.

Then, you know, Buddy was, you know, sort of circling around

him. Hey, how did you do it?

Like tell us about your routine and I was like, okay, you know,

studies and bodybuilding since to be the right way to go and I

joined a gym and I you know, I work for 23 months on developing

some muscle and obviously I was not as consistent as my friend

and then all of a sudden think I was hospitalized for one month

because of some problem that I had.

I lost all the all the muscle that I built up.

So it Like playing a game of amazing figuring out.

OK, you know, which way should I go?

And then whatever feedback I got, from my friends, from my

environment around me, I started pursuing that path, but in many

cases, the path was itself blocked by disease or whatever

it is like the universe comes together and says, no, no no,

this is not the right way to go, you know, it steers you.

If you start to take notice of that feedback that that the

universe is sending you through event through.

The people around you, through places you visit and things like

that. So as you're going through, this

sense of isolation as you're moving through, this kind of

emotional struggle to say land, mine field of land mines, but

because that in and of itself starts to interject somewhat of

a subjective view, are you able to relate back as a child and

kind of pinpoint? Some of the core emotions and

feelings that you were feeling aside from that isolation?

Of course. Yeah.

So anxiety was definitely one where I was always thinking hey

what if I'm not able to fit into this world, what if nobody likes

me you know another one was just fantasies like I used to play

it. So many fantasies in my mind to

just ignore the anxiety and just live.

The imagine the life I wanted to live, you know, like back home.

Like you know I used to hear stories my landlord where I I

used to live in the apartment. The landlord that lady used to

her whole family was in UK and he used to visit, you know,

every year. So and she used to tell the

stories about how things are in UK and how they are compared to

in India. And I used to fantasize about,

oh, you know, I'd love to visit UK one day and, you know,

experience that life. And and then the other aspect I

really adopted was curiosity and adventure and courage because

Found that in a way that the isolation was also a blessing

because nobody cared what I was doing.

Nobody gave you know like interfered with my life so much

why it started to develop this curiosity and getting into all

kinds of troubles. I let me try this.

Let me go to this place and try this, you know.

Let me try to play with electricity.

Let me try to play with fire, you know?

And then let me try to build like I used to collect, you

know, card Board like, you know, cardboard boxes that people

throw away. So I used to go and collect them

and make like, how can I call it like ftd's or your things that

you can just like sort of, they represent human beings or

whatever. So I started doing that and then

I remember putting firecrackers in them and then burning it off.

Stuff is like a lot of these experiences were interesting and

it taught me that life can be very very interesting if you

Many fear. If you don't have any inhibition

around what people think about you, and if you get curious

about stuff like, you can really have a lot of fun, even if you

are alone, no way his children. We experience that inner child,

as that endless sense of curiosity, as you mentioned,

you, I'm relating to these stories in particular,

especially with, you know, getting involved with maybe male

children more than anything, you know?

I've watched the female children as grandkids go through that.

That two young male and female buff kind of that Curiosity of

testing that healthy unhealthy, boundary of fire.

You know, what is that fascination with fire.

It's really curious to see how one other previous conversation

that's coming into this episode. I shared with another coach

centered around my kind of unhealthy fascination with fire

and testing those unhealthy boundaries.

Yeah that's interesting to see from my Perspective, how we find

some of these unhealthy coping mechanisms to test, you know, to

test inform our framework of what's safe, what's unsafe?

Sometimes when that unsafe is familiar, there's an unconscious

element. Unwinding in that where we seek

that kind of dangerous unsafe unhealthy environment

unwittingly, because that's our sense of familiar.

So that's an interesting area to see how that correlates a lot of

times. Absolutely yet throughout that

Journey that were sometimes again overstepping those healthy

boundaries and that Curiosity can either become unhealthy or

stifled. We'll come back to that little

bit on this surface. Minutiae Jaguar story, might not

seem all that different from the rest of us.

Our childhoods can be a challenging place, a place where

we often struggle to cut our teeth and fit in both mentally

and emotionally. In this way, minutiae story is

not unlike that of any Adolescent as a child, he

struggles with the same problems and questions that most of us do

only his are burdened by a family history of mental illness

and while the future may seem dark and hopeless, it doesn't

have to be each. One of us has the power seeing

Life Through The Eyes of a child is the only way to truly

understand and acknowledge your inner child.

Just what is our inner child and how do we know it?

When we see it, feel it, recognize one description, Who

we are when we feel most authentic genuine or Spirit, no

matter how distant evasive and even alien it may seem to be.

We each have a child within the part of us that is ultimately

alive, energetic, creative, and fulfilled.

This is our real self as we truly are the healing of

childhood. Emotional traumas is

consequently of great importance.

This is an essential necessary step to achieving a harmonious

balance of psychological comfort.

When that is achieved, we're able to embrace our truest sense

of worth and value in a more vulnerable and authentic manner.

Leah Marshall mamula is an author and personal

transformation. Coach her calling gaining others

to reclaim the personal Authority healing.

Our inner child is often a crucial step in this process

Leah. What role does reconnecting with

past traumas reclaiming, our inner Authority play as we begin

to heal our inner child. So with that working with the

inner child, Old, you know, that's the premise of a lot of

the core work and going back to the different ages where the

trauma or happened. Well, the interpretation of a

situation of this painful. And then saying to that child

that age, you are loved, you are perfect.

The other people, other players in that incident, we're going to

their own storm has known instances.

At that time, it wasn't about you.

And then the part that I found very useful and part of it

reframing, that it's not me, it wasn't always.

Is about media. Sometimes I was this behaving.

So yes, the parent has the right to discipline and say if not

appropriate in this setting, there is always appropriate

times where things need to be said.

We can't just let a child by wild.

I don't agree with that either but it's like okay how was that

message given? Was it done in the healthy way?

Was apparent over stating. The fact or was it really

painful was their shame and embarrassment attached to it?

The way it was said or done and so help him that little one.

One the okay, my mom or my dad said that but they're also in

pain. They're embarrassed.

At this time, all they were just doing what their parents did for

them. So it's almost projection that

there's an about me. Well, it's just been curious,

you're allowed to be too curious.

As a child, I was just being adventurous, I was just being

loving. I just wanted this all that, and

that was normal state to be at that age.

That's why I'm very proactive about things age-appropriate bad

behavior, because a child of the developmental stage, huh?

To test the boundary healthy curiosity, is important.

And I hope frame that little bit about the wall were made to

Adventure spending. Went to flex them, physical

muscles, as well as emotional and mental.

It's normal and healthy to be curious how we do that.

Might need to be guided. No, this is on the coding like a

programming by witnessing our parents.

Interaction and also very much around the messages that are

implied specific. You know ingrained the words

that were here, the actions that we see and then the

reinforcement that goes before that as we develop over

different stages of our lives and just becomes habit, it's

certainly jerk reaction and we don't even know it in.

There is like where the fuck did that come from a child?

I feel I may have lacked some of those more healthily aligned if

your jeans. Though, we resorted to some

things of how the exploration of gasoline and fire, you know,

they may not be a healthy frame of reference of curiosity and

allowance to put heresy was done with an adult and taught, okay?

This is what happened in the Arkansas.

Science experiment, not left to your own devices to experiment.

That's where I'm talking about children.

Need to be exploring the world that they're in apparent.

I think these needs to be aware where the child's interests are

and then use that as the stepping ground in case you want

to know about it. Let's learn about that

interactive and abiding way and not a professional way and let

the balance. And if we don't get it right,

you know, we've brought my kid every child fucked up, let's be

honest about that. We all grow up with levels of

crazy thinking and inappropriate reaction.

Everyone is Screwed up till next time it's up to us as adults

dance for with balls and a healthier way of being adults.

The inner child, it's the voice of your personal core, it

represents your deepest, feelings desires and

aspirations. This is the voice of your

personal Authority. The child is the seed of the

adult. Therefore it needs care and

attention. That child is also our inner

child, a mirror image of what we were as children in this inner

child. Also needs care and attention.

When we return, we hear more from the nudes and Over how he

was able to begin, listening to that inner calling transforming

the Journey of his inner child in the process.

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We're all on that mission to discover our best selves to find

anything that is light, yet. Along the pathway there, we lose

our way intellectually, bypassing all of the good stuff.

The real engine Yuan emotions inside that we often try to

hide. I know this is something I

myself. Often encounter manouche looking

back to that distant past of childhood.

Do you feel we might at times over and Electrolyze our

experiences as a means to avoid what we truly feel.

Um, I think it is partially both, it is partially testing

the boundaries, but also I think I had a little bit of a sort of

a scientific mind if I like at that point I didn't realize it.

But now I realize I was also trying to find what happens when

you mix oil and fire when you mix, you know, like different

kind of flowers and you You dry them off and then you burn them,

what happens? Like this smell I was trying to

experiment with all these like different different elements and

you put them together. What happens what the outcome

is. So that was a little bit of a

scientific curiosity that I had and sort of it develop into a my

profession, which was also related to science and

technology. This an interesting point for me

to interject here from my own experience again, as I've kind

of went back on my journey of Child.

Healing energy, child wound exploration.

I went through a series of child regressions with the noted

hypnotist Marissa Pier. Mmm going back.

And, you know, uncovering these layers of inner child trying to

reconnect with those feelings, and flooring that new story, one

of the interesting asides that come to light for me, was that I

was seeking some of those behaviors, unbeknownst to them.

Just to me now that I know as attention-seeking Behavior

trying to find recognition, underlying, the fear was that

overriding fear of I might be caught, might be caught doing

these things that I know are unsafe and that I'm not supposed

to do. You know that condition belief?

What's safe, what's unsafe? Yeah, it took going through that

regression to reconnect with those things to go back and I

actually had a Moment of clarity where things kind of opened up

to me and I said, yeah, I can remember in that moment

thinking, but if I'm in trouble, they're seeing me.

Yeah. Well, I didn't felt completely

seen a lot of ways in my sibling relationship in comparison.

Some of that become a construct, something that become an

identity issue. I didn't feel sing specifically

by my peers Even back to that young of an age probably around

the age of to be honest around five or six started to kind of

form in first grade of school, starting to find my way through

social interactions was an extension of how I was relating

with my parents first and foremost and how I was relating

with my siblings as peers, Daddy's Did It On In My

Relations and how I formed bonds and connections.

It still does to this day, I have to be Honest.

But it continued on through my school years.

Yeah. Bad little later that.

Yeah, underlying need to feel singing recognized that at its

core Roots wise perhaps in the hands of insecurity.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

So sometimes we tip that scale the other way and rather than

hiding we're unconsciously seeking.

These unhealthy means to gain that attention.

That was A lightning bolt of Revelation to be as I kind of

worked back and then the end result for me was not feeling

enough. Yeah, I had some other emotional

traumas that stem from an inner child wounding of being raised

in an environment where unhealthy anger was an

expression, mmm coming from a generational pattern where

several Generations back that pattern started with

grandparents great-grandparents. Where Earthy anger was a normal

mode or a normalized mode of operation.

Yeah. So working back.

There's this kind of odd. Dance of fear of being noticed,

and then also seeking healthy forms of attention.

Yet in that seeking healthy forms of attention.

You develop the unhealthy habit of doing adverse unhealthy

behaviors because you are certain, you're going to get

attention. Yeah.

If I Create trouble in chaos. I know.

I can't be ignored. I can't be under recognized so

that was an interesting kind of dance of dual ality for me.

Yeah two more. I totally relate to that.

For sure. It's interesting.

It's an interesting aside the kind of compare contrast how and

one hand some people when they experience their trauma want to

go into that complete withdrawal and hide.

Yeah, there's weather than yolk with their wits about it at the

moment. Or not seek the global opposite,

where their method of getting that attention there again

becomes those unhealthy ways of life Sheen out.

Yeah, I was subconscious. Mind is already very powerful

force, right? Like, I mean, our whole life is

controlled by it and we don't even know it.

We we try to rationalize it unless and until you do deep

work, like the one that we are talking about here, to really

understand what is actually happening in our mind and then

it's all makes sense. It all makes sense.

Why certain things happen the way they did?

And what actions we were taking because it's always the

motivation is very deep-rooted, it's very it's very much hidden

in the moment but then when you are able to look back and and

not only look back because a lot of people don't have the courage

to face themselves, because it's easier to blame somebody else

and say, oh no, not my fault. It was somebody else's fault.

But if you can gain the courage to actually look back and say,

so okay, that's what's happening.

And now you are able to articulate it, okay, we were

seeking attention, we were trying to see how we can be seen

and that's not a easy thing to say to yourself preface that,

right? Most people are not able to do

that. Then we'll of conscientiousness

is a definable personality and characteristic trait within the

five Factor model of Personality.

We can develop those characteristics and traits

subjectively Complex to judge, you know, judge or discern

discern. Hopefully, we're not judging we

move into discernment how that takes place for our each

individual. Just looking at our patterns on

fi, you know, our our thoughts hidden from us, or are we just

simply not fully aware of them? You know, there's a fine dance

there that starts to play out in our psyche.

An interesting conversation I had with a fellow coach, who

focuses on emotional intelligent just yesterday that idea of an

interaction or a behavior change, being a vicious cycle is

the cycle, vicious, or is this a concept?

A construct that we create based on our emotional experience and

then the really kind of slippery slope for me is looking at the

idea or the concept That where does that line blur where we

start to invalidate, the experience of another?

Where do we start to slip in our own empathy as we say?

But was it really, you know, how do we maintain that?

Balance becomes kind of a crucial question to be because

the helpful side sometimes, which is in and of itself tool,

you know, am I trying to help you or am?

I trying to cope with my own? But from a certain objective

standpoint, do we start to create the The idea that the

cycle is vicious and start to bring that to light, or are we

able to kind of step back and take a healthy framing of our

psychological perspective and say?

But if I look at this and reframe this I'm starting to

create some of that idea that it is.

I'm starting to carry that over. I start to look for the patterns

that validate that you can rather than experiencing some of

the patterns this say yes. And you know, and it can also

just be a cycle We can also have that healthy balance where we're

free of denial. We're free of the resistance and

say, but yes, it can be both and I'm able to move with that.

Yeah, I can't really move. So that's an interesting aside

that I'm gonna kind of interject here today.

No, what happened was, you know, I told you like my dad was a

workaholic and I was basically he, he said okay, you know, You

need to figure out who your life out and I basically started

working in the in his Factory at 15.

So he raised me like a factory worker.

And one day, I was so frustrated with life that at I think I was

like 14 15 and my friend was supposed to come from us and I

wanted to go see him and you know I got in big trouble for

that and I was like you know this life is not worth living so

I attempted suicide I actually locked my Myself up and and

luckily, I survived, but I didn't know.

Like, what I mean, I was confused.

I was like, you know, why am I still alive?

Like what, what is going on and and then that sort of struck me

as well. Like, you know, I didn't die.

The maybe there's a bigger purpose, maybe I have to do

something else like something's going on, so those experiences

sort of planted some seeds about Out what I can do with my life.

It was like, it's just like, you know, I tried to look for the

universe's sign. As I said earlier, like when I

went for bodybuilding, I fell sick for about a month.

So when I tried to commit suicide and I didn't die, I

concluded that there is little bit more left for me to do.

And what that was was my role to figure out who that was my task

to figure out. So as I was going through this

living, this life of, you know, effective Which was terrible

like 12 hours a day six days a week and I was getting like 2

dollars a day for that. I wanted to figure out, okay,

what can I do? And then one day I was going

through some Business magazines and I was reading the stories of

these tycoons who have made Empires worth millions, billions

and I started comparing myself to them and say, hey, you know

what have they got that? I don't have and decided to

figure out what can I do? What resources I have?

Have and that led me down the path of finding computers

programming. You know, the world of

technology. So that is sort of the

transition I went through my childhood to find my love for,

you know, technology first and foremost, my heart feels and

breaks for you. My friends, that space where you

feel, you question, whether it's worthy to be here is such a

crushing blow. So again, I am so grateful for

you sharing that vulnerability because that is such a difficult

space to be in no matter where we are at Archer.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. So I want to reel back a little

bit as your father is, starting to push you a little bit at the

age of 15, your perhaps a little prematurely to kind of step into

that role of adulthood to kind of.

Okay, I'm done with you. I'm Done with rearing.

You, here's the world, young man have asked.

Yeah, what were some of the thoughts and feelings that

started to surface for you. So the first thing is that I

thought the world is so much bigger than the limited point of

view that was being presented to be something that was taught to

me. This is the only way and you

have to take it and there is no other way and I was like, no.

The world is bigger. The world is more beautiful, the

world is got so many more experiences that I can bring

into my life, but I just didn't know how to do it.

I just didn't know, you know, who to talk to to help me get

there. The only thing again that kept

coming to my mind, you know, you are smart.

Use your mind to figure out things, what you want to

experience. And in that in that conflict,

half of my Time and energy used to be working in the factory and

half my mental sort of energy used to be trying to figure out,

you know, how the hell to get out of there.

Yeah. The other thing that was

happening is the mind was picking up all the patterns that

that I was noticing in the factory, like, how this life

works, you know, this this life is very, very complex in the

sense that we look at life as one unit, but there are so many

smaller systems within our That are put together to make our

lives. Like, you know, food is one

system, you know, our hygiene is another system that we developed

for our own. Like, you know, all of these

routines and systems that we put in place it sort of dawned on me

as I was working in the factory where, you know, you have

multiple machines, multiple sort of departments working together

to build these widgets. So these are some of the things

that were going on in my mind, observing the world around me

and then imagining in the world that I want to be in.

And so that was the struggle. Yeah, that's struggle.

It seems to me manoosh that you were spending the majority of

your childhood trying to figure out how to already be an adult.

Did you ever get to the point? You know, it's obvious to me

where you said, wait a minute, what happened to my childhood,

wait a minute, what happened to the parents that are just

supposed to love and support me as a young child?

Yeah yeah. Well so what happened was there

was a big void that was left, right?

And that void got filled with things like alcohol things with,

you know, getting in trouble, things with Rebellion things.

The seeking Adventure because even today, I am that child who

wants to seek Adventure like I want to like just leave

everything and just go and play and you know that that that void

never gets filled that that void never gets filled.

But what ended up happening was now I'm coming to a little bit

of a present day. I had another you know as life

throws more curveballs at you after I was around 30 35.

Had another sort of a big shock and I can describe that what

that wall, and I became suicidal once again.

But this time around, I had the resources.

I had the contacts, I had my mind who was, which was

conscious enough to say the you have the Solutions in you.

And so I went down the route of meditation and spirituality and

finding these answers. You know, I've I've done

regressions with Marissa pair myself and so I found that You

are living a generational trauma.

It's not even our trauma. It is a generational trauma that

has been passed on from generation to generation and

then it is me, who is supposed to wake up and say, Hey, you

know, I'm not going to pass this on, to the next Generation.

How do I cut the cycle off? So that that is sort of the

journey? I've I took.

And I think that's where we are now today talking about this

because at some point, we realized, This cannot go on for

you know, generation after generation after generation.

Right. So I think it almost I mean

going through all that experience was horrible.

It was painful but once you realize the purpose of all that

I feel it was a gift because now I can say, Hey, you know I was

the one who woke up and then put a stop to this and of course you

know you have differences with your children, you know?

They when you you always have, you cannot You know, the perfect

parent. But I know for a fact that I'm

not going to pass on these traumatic experiences to the

Next Generation. That's an interesting scenario

there alone with now I'm starting to venture into that

grandparent face. I'm watching my children, parent

children are all grown adults to, we've had conversations

around identity, no childhood going back and relating.

Your tried to develop kind, And of that openness and interaction

with my children throughout life knowing full.

Well, that there were times where my child won't be where my

own traumas did create a Dean so to speak in that perception.

Yeah. But still being cognizant enough

to say from your perspective. How did you relate?

I'm seeing that Evolution and now I'm watching my youngest

son. My youngest.

Child with their first child and how conscientious they're trying

to approach it. And saying, let's be mindful of

our traumas. We knew that before we conceived

a child. Now as we raise this child, the

interesting aspect is a grandparent is how then do you

just enough distance approach that you aren't also

interjecting your own forms of maybe struggle, your own forms

of control. Roll your own forms of energy

acting your own condition beliefs, and traumas.

Yeah, yet still being that open and available guy.

I'm here. If you want to measure feedback,

if you want, positive support but still trying to take

somewhat of that hands off. You have an awareness and that's

part of where those patterns perpetuate.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely.

So I'm going to take a pause here just for a quick second and

weave. If we're off on a real expensive

Trail, let's reel back in if we might show sure with that

knowledge of your interaction with Marissa pure.

That's kind of a neat parallel. We've traveled today because we

can both kind of relate to that. So let's reel that back.

And I now one aspect, I know if my own inner child journey is

still remaining, even though I have this knowledge in touch

with that inner child, still recognizing the value in that.

Cassity from that childlike perspective and still

recognizing that child need for play, bounced with healthy

responsibility. That's one big area.

I relate to is when is that a fine line that I am experiencing

that and healthy beneficial Manner?

And when might I resort to that again as an emotional avoidant,

coping mechanism is a big one for me, you know?

No, it's like, I've got this in hand, you know, starts to

become. Emotional stuffing, starts to

become an avoidant Behavior, even though you're aware of it,

sometimes, because you're aware of it, you're also unaware of

some of the unconscious ways that that surfaces, if that

makes any sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

My craving play, because there's a part of me that's still

experiencing that trauma Bond. Yeah.

Where am I keeping that healthy balance.

That keeps those active levels of curiosity there.

Yeah, that keeps me creatively stimulated.

That keeps me moving forward toward new ideas or am I being

subtly reverted? Back that act of

intellectualizing is a big one for me here lately because I've

always been conditioned the belief towards intellectualize.

You might relate to that somewhat because it seems that

from your perspective, your Somewhat tried to push you

forward into that mature until a dental infection.

That's a that can't spit that word out today.

Intellectualization intellectualization, I'm missing

a syllable in there. I'm over overthinking it, you

know, and I'm ruminating on and think, well, I'm missing this

work that cycle of bypassing comes to mind to me.

Do we now still try to say I'm going to marginalize that inner

child and because I have an understanding, I'm going to

distance myself. Myself from it.

That in of itself, for me, I know create some potentially

adverse unhealthy, disconnects sometimes, especially when I'm

looking at developing, emotional competency in empathy,

especially towards others. Because, hey, I'm going back to

a pattern condition belief. You know, we had a mantra and

I'll say a mantra that was kind of a.

Yes, and situation when we were younger, my mother said, Don't

know is not an answer with a very healthy intention with,

also not being directly demoralizing about it.

But still, there's an undertone that says, but I have to answer

them validate for what I met him.

Yeah, it's been a duality for me personally throughout life.

So as an aspect of, I don't know, is not an answer.

We were guided toward the way to Simply question and healthy

Manner and fun. Find not the answer, but the

potential in the exploration of answers.

You know, we were guided toward the resources, we had wasn't

kind of that admonishment. Leave it up in the air, figure

it out, it was, but those answers can be found in books.

Those answers can be found. When you go to the library, we

had like three sets of encyclopedias in our home.

Ha ha. Anytime we would come to our

mother, you know, with, I don't understand this, I'm frustrated,

I don't know the answer she said, but I No, my child is not

the answer. The answer is found in the

knowing the answer is found in the journey.

The answer is found in the unraveling in the finding it

asking of the questions, that's the healthy bounce.

Now, I know for me through my childhood regression again,

going through Marissa peer, there's a part of me

unconsciously that says, I've always got to have an answer,

I've always got a question things.

I also have some what the marginal Rising even in doing

it, spiritual bypassing Navy, and Subway marginalizing, and

saying, that questioning somehow is signifying.

That I'm not worthy, I'm not valuable, I'm invalid in what?

I do understand, or what I do, feel more than anything else.

Mmm, Yeah, I can relate to that, for me, what happened was?

I, you know, I obviously coming coming into this as of person,

Link to Science and Technology. I always was intellectualizing.

It was always looking for a logical answer but later on

life, as especially, after I started meditating, I found that

tapping into your heart is much more powerful.

So trying to focus on what feels good, what truly feels good and

if you go with that, I find that.

That is the sort of the moral compass on the GPS that you have

built in. And you can rationalize it, you

can find logical, reasons, but whatever makes you feel.

Happy is the path. And so my focus have always, now

shifted towards, how do I feel about it?

You know, if I want to do something, if I want to meet

somebody, if I want to go somewhere, how do I feel about

it? Whatever the logic is whatever.

The rationale is, I don't pay too much attention to that as

long as it feels good because it has always Show me over and over

that. That's the right path to take

relating there. When my propensity to

intellectualize, you've always said from a very young age.

Well, what role does the heart actually play, you know, looking

at that connection, we're looking at heart rate variable,

or heart rate variance Blaze that key role in emotional,

self-regulation, absolutely stimulates a lot of processes

throughout. Out, our body of things like

hormone release are elevated and lowered breathing States or

interacting with the heart simplify without trying to over,

intellectualize it. Yeah, something.

I'm challenging myself or setting as an intention for

myself. Maybe does now start doing this,

how do we start to surrender some of that need to over

intellectualize, it and simply acknowledge that.

Well, that is the process. It is the heart.

Yet when we Zoom back out on that lens, we can say it is the

heart because it is helping regulate that variable is

stimulating. Our vagus nerve, you know, big

proponent of that. For me when I do, go back in and

dive deep on the intellect, intellect, soil,

intellectualization, and need to dive deep today.

And being harsh on myself, I'm wanting to say okay, dummy, your

mess in the spelling up When we Zoom back into that level of

complexity, the vagus nerve runs in conjunction with the heart,

most of our core nerves interact out of our spine, right through

our chest thorax ich area. Yeah.

All centered around our heart. So, it does then when I get out

of my own way and stop beating it up.

Make sense when we do intellectualize, it and say,

that's what it means to be hard centered because all of those

key. Nerves are autonomic nervous

system. Yeah.

Are focused in that area. So, now rather than beat it up,

I'm like able to say. Yeah, well, it makes sense then

and I'm all right with that. Absolutely absolutely.

So zeroing back out again from your perspective, manoosh.

Just what is the inner child to you and how do we know when we

see it? Feel it?

Is it within ourselves? The inner child is I believe

it's so much tied to the heart, our heart desires.

I don't think I, in my belief, I don't think we ever grow up

actually in, you know, we grew up in our physical dimensions

and things like that. We learn a lot about the world,

you know, we, we gain a lot of knowledge, but at the end of the

day, we are always going back to our early childhood and trying

to reintroduce those Same feelings that we missed out on.

I think our whole life is a Pursuit towards filling those

gaps that we found in our childhood.

And so, tying it back, you know, when when when I say that, I

focus on what my heart desires. Now what makes it feel good, I

can always find a thread which ties that feeling back to an

event or a place when I was a child.

So in my perspective, I am that child still And you are that

child still. And we are just trying to serve

that child and love that child and fulfill it desires by taking

actions as an adult and doing the things that we do that makes

a xos segwayed me toward this question, do inner child, wounds

play an important role in developing a healthy self

concept to which I personally say yes and you know, yes they

do and In what ways asking you that question?

Do inner child, wounds play an important role from your

perspective in developing a healthy self concept.

Absolutely I mean, there is no question about it.

We, as I said, my belief is that, we are all the we are all

basically children living in adult bodies, you know, after we

cross a age threshold, but at the end of the day, we are just

children. And in the inside and the, the

caveat to that is Is you need courage in life, to face

yourself, everybody has a story, everybody, even people who have

been brought up in amazing households, they have they have

experienced some trauma somewhere and it's about the

tolerance of looking at that trauma and saying, Hey, how do I

grow from there rather than using it as, as a, as a means to

become bitter and, you know, become pessimistic.

You don't have these negative emotions and you see a lot of

those kind of people around, you know, I certainly see it in my

vicinity at workplace and things like that.

So, it depends on how you process that trauma, how much

courage, you have to face the facts.

How much courage you have to say, I take responsibility for

what I have become and what was given to me in my childhood.

And how do I interpret those in my Adulthood, and all that and

that that kind of self-awareness, that kind of

Courage. Very, very few people have

unfortunately. And that's the reason why we are

in the state of the world that we are in.

Because most people are just living their childhood trauma,

and exerting themselves on others, to justify whatever

negative emotions, they are feeling that goes back to that.

Adage the children who do not receive emotional and physical

support growing up. Tend to grow up to be hurt.

Adults, that core wounded, emotional inner child.

Yeah. If we're not sure, which wound

is causing your emotional distress and pain.

There are key categories of these wounds and y'all looking

at the harm wound manipulation wounds rejection wounds

deficiency. Wounds, you know, we've explored

a lot of the ways that these can Surface and interact Tak

judgment. Shame validation, you know

looking at domination exploration betrayal guilt as

examples of manipulation wounds where we struggle with the

concepts to me and this is an area.

I'm really hinging on lately of power control and competition

can often be again, a state of Duality?

Yeah. Yeah.

We can dance between a yes And state am I Empower yes.

Empowered being more. Compassionate to me from my

perspective in regard versus kind of an insecure power.

That is seeking that dominance, that is seeking that control

that is expressing some of those core wounds of betrayal.

Guilt and shame can be a very unconscious layer and level.

We're talking about levels of growth, moving to an Next Level

concept that myself, admittedly I struggle with sometimes just

because I'm intellectualize. Yeah.

Nevertheless, what is our core motivating factor or factors

behind that drive to seek power of any sort that we looking to

control and manipulate? Are we looking to dominate which

inherently an unconscious level is insecurity is fear is the

guilt and Game. So my response is to lash out in

power, I will enforce my will on this, I will overcome can become

an innate energetic relationship of how we reflect and view it.

It's just the way we label that for me lately has been an area

of Fascination. Yeah.

How are we interacting with our emotions?

Are we trying to overcome to them?

Are we looking to smash out of an emotion?

Are we looking to neutralize? Wise was one I come across that.

Well, why are you neutralizing means you're taking all of the

power out of something. You're looking to dominate

something. You're looking to judge guilt

and shame it in some regards on an unconscious, or sometimes,

sub or conscious level throughout three different

levels of awareness. That interaction can take shape

and we can be consciously in one place.

Subconsciously in another place and add another level and its

deepest roots. Consciously in three different

fractured states of being. Yeah.

And one phase of our childhood development.

Once that Curiosity one phase is seeking that acknowledgement at

another phase in all within the same moment and instant of an

interaction at the deepest level, what is that unconscious

child truly seeking? What is the value and meaning

driving this to me, when we look at moving to a Next Level,

sometimes that step is bringing those pieces or what's known in

Parts therapy. These kind of fractured census

of a core self back together. Yeah, I can tend to be at odds,

with this idea of is it a different version of us or are

they just various ways we categorize and identify with

them a dark or I like to try to form a concept where I am meet,

I had me in this situation although experiencing different

circumstances and situations in I am still the core inner child,

me, when I am being disingenuous even maybe a little of a branch

in a more, expansive idea, then what we are often conditioned to

believe simply with questioning and curiosity, say yes.

And what if what if we're only one person?

What if we are that core child? Absolutely.

I believe strongly. We are.

I believe it plays a huge role in our lives.

We start to understand a few things much better.

We start to understand the environment.

The people around us much better and but the add the end of the

day, our actions and things, that how we show up in the world

is very much controlled by that inner child to a large extent.

It is it controlled, or are we vulnerable?

Allowing it and accepting it there again.

Yeah, even in the way we express it, sometimes might signal a

different level of awareness. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, another one. I like to try to form an

intellectual view of is that level of vibrational frequency

and the concept of raising and lowering your vibration.

Yeah, which vibration becomes a key.

Question to me, your emotions, vibrate on one thing.

Wave that you speak on is a vibrational wave of energy.

How you express yourself through nonverbal, communication and

movement, is another wave of vibration.

Your interaction with everything around your being.

Yeah. Has multiple touchpoints a

vibration? So can we and Theory?

Just raise it all in lower at all?

Or do we become aware of? Well, this has its implications

this As its influence, this creates its impact.

Can we rest at peace with all of that, with our core inner child

saying, I am safe and secure and rest at peace with, which is our

ultimate State optimized, state of ventral vagal self-regulation

in that state were open and available.

We're not shutting it out. We're not saying I have

automatic control and power. We're just saying in some

regards, it is what it is. Can carry its own implication

depending on how we We even emotionally connect with that

statement, it is what it is. Is that an avoided?

It is what it is or is it just an open and acceptant?

Yeah, it is what it is. Yeah, exactly.

It's interesting question interest.

I mean, I think that's part of introspection that we need to

dive in and find our own answers, right?

Like it's a it's another aspect. Is we all are on our individual

Journey. So whatever conclusion we draw

From one experience, maybe a different conclusion for you and

maybe a different conclusion for me and maybe a different

conclusion for another person, that's the beauty of Life.

Whoo. And the beauty of these

conversation is to share those experiences and share those

conclusions because every conversation leads to another

Insight, another another thought pattern triggered.

And it starts to, it's almost like another conversation is

another puzzle piece of the puzzle in your own story, right?

I see a lot of me in your story. I think you see a lot of you in

my story and sort of it starts to create that that form that

complete puzzle in our own lives.

When we were children, we had no choice.

But to rely on our caregivers, we were taught how to operate in

the world. It made to feel safe and

protected as adults. However, we are meant to be our

own protectors yet. If that caregiver is emotionally

unavailable or abusive, they will also likely Trust issues

and become emotionally dependent on others, as adults, the inner

child that lives in the human psyche, directly influences.

All that we do adults are controlled by their unconscious

inner child. In a way that leaves this

wounded child in control of their lives.

Their maltreatment, therefore leaves them feeling angry

ashamed, in sometimes. Raged.

When they've been wounded in our children, our lives through

which injured adults make all of their decisions.

For instance, an Adult with an inner child, who is neglected,

May struggle to form healthy relationships with others.

And may have difficulty, trusting people, can you imagine

your children or charity? See, playing on the street,

trying to make sense of adult relationships or make career

decisions? Predictably such attempts can

only end in disaster. This is what happens every day

in the lives of people who have a wounded inner child, these

small lost and lonely parts of ourselves are afraid anxious and

insecure. And that can make our lives

miserable. However, there is hope inner

child work, including self parenting can ease the pain and

heal the wounds left behind by caregivers who are abusive or

toxic. The inner family systems model

is an integrative approach to individual Psychotherapy

developed by Richard C, Schwartz in the 1980s, it combines

systems. Thinking with the view that our

mind is made up of relatively discrete.

Sub personalities each with its own unique Viewpoint and

qualities traveling through life or core traumas.

In inner child, wounds can tend to add up.

And as a result we begin to see ourselves through the filtered

perspective or lands of the fractured pieces that we've

become pieces. That we each developed.

That allow us to cope both with the perceptions of the emotions

of our inner worlds or how we feel the outside world is

treating us. Therefore, we We frequently find

ourselves struggling to reunite and unify these parts as an

authentic, genuine and effective whole what we label as the real

us inside. James J.

Stahma Tellez is an internal family systems practitioner, who

graduated from the decaying University coaching program in

May of 2013. Since that time, he has helped

countless individuals, especially men, replace, chronic

insecurity and shame with a sense of internal peace and

grounded, confidence. J, specializes in helping people

break out of what he calls, anxious, insecurity or The

Chronic feeling of not being enough.

Regardless of how much success or achievement we reach in life,

this was his battle as well. Plagued by intense

self-loathing. This issue nearly cost him his

life. James is here to explain the

role, the inner child wounding place in Parts therapy through

the process known as re blending J.

Share with us how inner child wounding can play a significant

role in parts that are p through the process of re blending in

that by bringing together our conflicting parts, we can find a

way for them to Together in harmony.

Yeah, great question. And absolutely.

So the people I work with generally the way they're going

to be very aware of at least two parts within themselves or two

energies, two voices in the one will be this harsh, harsh

critic, that tells them, they're crap, they're not enough there

whatever. And then some part that's

holding onto deep pain and shame.

And it's this is a relationship that critic pokes that and ifs.

We call it the Exile but it pokes.

His pain makes up painful awful and it just kind of Can't get

you stuck. Now, this Dynamic can play out

in different ways, that critic can do this in order to make you

engage in Behavior. Like I was describing before,

you're not enough now, but if you do this and you will be, but

it can also make it into that hiding and collapsing Behavior.

You shouldn't even try. What do you think?

Other people want to hear what you have to say?

You think that other people care how you feel.

Shut up, sit down. And so, if we look at it from

that way, you do on the outside, we'd Sail.

God, this is self-sabotage. Why do I always tear myself

apart? But if you go into the system,

if you meet this part of you, this critic and you you engage

with it and you find out that story will, why are you saying

these things to this person? How are you trying to help?

They will often say well I watched in their life that every

time they did this they experienced such pain and I

can't let that pain happen to them anymore.

I have to be harsh on them because if I'm not there going

to put themselves another situation, that's Going to hurt

even more. I hate doing this job.

I don't want to do this job but it's the only way.

I know how to keep them safe and so we can look at that critic

and say, oh, so you're not actually the enemy here.

You're just trying to help in the way that makes sense to you.

And the beautiful thing is that critic doesn't have to stay in

that role with can transform and I've seen these parts.

Transformative cheerleaders that helped pick that person up in.

Keep them motivated because they know how to motivate them and or

maybe they just relax and enjoy just existing that Does not

define that part of the person. That's just how it's acting in

this moment to try to keep them safe.

So if I'm following as a result as individuals, we can then find

healing and integration from past trauma and emotional pain.

Is this correct? In my assumption.

So I frame it as if we have five external senses our emotions,

our internal senses. They're giving us information

about the world. So for what I'm calling anxious

and security for me, that is alarm going off saying, oh my

God, oh my God. My god.

Do you do not have healthy belonging which you need in

order to stay alive? I need you to find this and so

we can. I think some people look at this

and say, oh but you can't point to a problem.

Therefore this is dysfunctional but that would be the same as if

you imagine being dropped in the middle of the Sahara Desert and

you're freaking out, of course, you're freaking out because you

have no water, you can't point the something, it's the lack of

a thing. That's driving you.

So you need those emotions because we need to know, What is

going on? What do we need?

What do we as a system? What do we need to attend to so

that we can have this healthier and calmer and more

self-actualized life in the context of inner child wounding.

Re blending may involve bringing together the wounded inner child

part with other parts that are more mature and have more

resources. For example, a person may have

an inner child part. That feels scared and vulnerable

due to past experiences of neglect or abuse.

The Sparked may be in conflict with a more productive or

critical part that tries to keep the person safe by being overly

controlling, or judgmental. Through re blending, we can help

these parts communicate and find a way to work together.

That is more supporting and healing for us.

All the action, every blending allows us to heal the unresolved

emotional and psychological pain from past experiences that

occurred during our childhood. These experiences can leave a

lasting impact on a person's psyche and can create parts.

Or sub personalities that are stuck in the past, still holding

on to the pain and Trauma that we experienced reuniting the

past and present allows us to move through our uncomfortable,

emotional experiences. And as a result, we can then

form a new more comfortable. He's and flip as we discover how

to vulnerably accept and welcome.

Our natural emotional Cycles. It is through this process.

This journey we begin to see a new clearer picture of who we

once were whoo-hoo. We presently are and who we will

always be moving forward, the one light shining bright inside.

If you found value and meaning in today's show, please share it

with a friend or loved one. And as always, we are grateful

for you, our valued listening commute, this has been the light

inside. I'm Jeffrey biesecker.

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