Openness: How Experiential Avoidance Closes us to More Expansive Life Experiences and Learning

This is the light inside, I'm Jeffrey.

Biesecker Lee hurl had a secret, a secret, which filled her with

guilt and shame, a secret, which nearly killed her as will soon

find out speaking her truth. Not only liberated her from this

guilt and shame, it's saved her life.

You see Lee was living with the burden of discovering.

Her husband had been living a hidden double life and as she

clung to his secret. Her husband becoming emotionally

abusive riddled with the guilt and Shane Lee was devastated,

leaving her feeling hopeless, and immobilized in an effort to

number self and block her painful suffering.

She shut out the world closing the doors, where others might

have learned of her story and offered her compassion and

loving support Society. Often tells us learn to bite

your tongue to repress. What it is we feel inside and

sometimes X as we shut out the world important stories.

Go Untold. Some people are silenced by

Long's what, others wish to protect the privacy of the ones

they love upon closer examination.

There are those who win forest with the unyielding, burden of

harboring, a secret cannot bear. The pressure in Judgment of

public life. For many, an echo of their own

fear, doubt and shame. Silencing them as a result we

often with hold Secrets, which inhibit each of us from much

needed healing. Even the Aeneas of White Lies

often. Keeping us from fully connecting

with others. Leaving gaping holes in our

relationships, our most important stories often Untold

as result of the impact of secrecy.

The greatest lie. Incidentally, being the ones we

frequently. Tell ourselves yet through a

touching story and unique life experiences.

We hurl is changing how we view the simple art of truth-telling

today. Lee and I discuss the role

harboring see Secrets plays in our lives.

A fact, none of us are immune from experiencing.

Find out how when we return to the light inside,

Secrets, hold great power and sway over each of us, they

divided us determine relationships in freezing, our

development as individuals. Everyone has Secrets story from

our past or present that we fail to share with others in his

famous novel, Ulysses James, Joyce, reflects on this fact,

and points out, Secrets, silent and Stony sip in the dark

palaces of both our hearts Secrets weary.

Of their tyranny tyrants willing to be dethroned Secrets.

Have not only sparked the interest of riders but also

scientists. Nevertheless Decades of study

into our struggle. With secret is revealed that

they have an awesome. If paradoxal power to unite

people, as well as dividing, researchers have defined secrecy

as an intention to conceal information from one or more

individuals. Harboring them is incredibly

common, the average person S13 at any given time?

However, secrecy is only recently started to receive more

attention in our research. What is largely been neglected?

So far are the consequences of secret.

Endured both in their relationship between Scherer and

receiver. In this project, we aim to fill

this Gap, author and tedx speaker.

Lee hurl is here to relay how six words saved her life and why

our secrets hold such immense power.

Lee, I want to start our conversation with how we Define

a secret, but that is interesting because there's many

different types of secret. So, I think I Define, I

personally Define a secret as something that you withhold and

keep to yourself. So, there can be many different

types of Secrets. Like, you know, innocent

childhood fun ones or even Naughty ones.

If you were naughty kid, like me and, you know, smoking behind

the school shed or things like that, and often they lose their

impact with the passing of time Secrets do and we can forget

about them. But then there are some secrets

that we hold onto and they start to weigh heavy on us and it's

those secrets that can really impact us in.

In a negative way. So they're the ones I really

want to talk about like, what looking at this angle of the

definition of secrecy as an intention to conceal

information. You know, an intention to

conceal starts the process to me, that's such a powerful

Insight just that intention to conceal Tail.

As you met, you do something as innocuous as sneaking behind the

bleachers to sneak a little cigarette, you know as we're

Youth. Some of the more kind of a

honorary things, we might do growing up and be kind of

withhold that intention to conceal from our parents.

That's an interesting point for me to look at leaning in today

as we start. You mentioned, the very

interesting point about how the average person has up to about

13 at any given time. Yes, this comes as somewhat of a

surprising Revelation. It's interesting because you

would think sacred is probably a really high Hard subject to

research. I could imagine.

And it was researched by the Colombian business school and

they found that the average person had 13 secrets And it's

those Secrets like when you think about it, it's I believe

it's true. You think about it?

There's all different types of secrets that we hold onto and,

you know, it could be a secret with a best friend and things

like that. So do you know that 97 percent

of us have had at least one, big secret that is weighed heavy and

I think Need to look at when you just said, you know, the

withholding, we really need to understand why we withhold and

often we withhold due to guilt regret and the most poisonous

thing is shame and that's what happened to me.

Sometimes it's unclear just when something falls into that

category of a secret, keeping us from bridging that divide

between trust and well-being. I'm looking at that recent

Columbia study, you know, we looked at that ourselves as we

began research for this episode, it astounded me to see that

there were 38 categories of Secrets, can you share more with

us lie? What some of these different

categories of Secrets might be? Oh gosh, I can't even name.

All of them are like, or remember them.

There it is a lottery where it is.

In to keep some of those Secrets hidden within us.

Exactly. You must be easier to just lead

in it surrender. Let them go.

Exactly. Exactly.

So the different categories. There's so many of them.

I think I myself Focus really on the ones that were the damaging

ones and that's what I really wanted to.

And more about and they're the ones that we really need to

start talking about. If you look at it the it's more

about the, you know, how much your mind wanders to these

secrets. So the different categories of

Secrets often with a lot of them, we do lose or forget about

them or they lose their power over us with time but it's the

Ones that weigh heavy on us. And the reason why they weigh

heavy on us, it's because the amount of times our mind wanders

to them, and that can lead to rumination, and it's the

rumination that I believe the seeds for depression, anxiety,

and Suicidal Thoughts. Hmm.

We often look at that intent to conceal.

And we relate to, as protecting us, keeping them from murder

harm. What about what we deem?

Those little white lies. It's been a while eyes.

Yes, yes, often way day in those little white lies.

It's more about. Yeah, as you said protecting

others don't want to hurt their feelings.

When you look at those little white lies, everyone has told a

little white lie, its I'm stage in their life so then it makes

the whole I concept of holding 13 Secrets, average person,

holding 13 secrets. You realize well, that is

Probably, right. I think very often sometimes on

a daily basis. We use variants that cycle and

don't even give Cadence to it something.

As subtle as when someone asks, how does this dress look on me?

Do you like my haircut and we might not necessarily find our

preference in that. Yeah, we feel that innate urged

to show compassion and empathy with where someone else might

alive. He ordered honor and protect

him. You feel that could be somewhat

of a slippery slope sometimes. Yeah.

Objectively honor. Others.

And compassion, when we say yes, I love the dress.

Yes. Let's find some valid way to

compliment the haircut. Yes.

Where do we kind of cross that line?

Sometimes might become a question when it does.

It truly serve someone from our opinion that can be a somewhat

treacherous ground. Round To Tread upon sometimes.

It can be a, he finds you. He typically the husband's

always say, I'm not going there to tell a little white lie in

that case, you know, to honor your wife, you truly feel.

She is beautiful irregardless, you know.

So perhaps it's not such a lie, to Simply honor her and say,

yes, my dear, you are beautiful, no matter what.

Yeah, exactly. So then it's like then away.

Shifting more to, that's a little white lie and rather than

a secret. So yeah, there's a really fine

line there, isn't it? He's a type of a secret because

you're withholding information, really?

We have been somewhat of a curveball, from where we set out

today. But as we do research, and as we

communicate through, where each Assets going to go, sometimes

he's a little questions pop up. What if we look at that angle of

a little white lie, we'll just leave that out there today.

Having Secrets can result in negative consequences.

Very often for The Secret Keeper.

Sometimes that depression creeping up anxiety.

Why is it that Secrets weigh so heavily?

Honestly, they weigh so heavily on us is because how often our

mind wanders too. So the more your mind wanders to

it, the heavier becomes and I don't know if you've ever held

on to a traumatic secret but often look and I'm no

professional in this area but often people hold on to a secret

and they can bury it and bury it so deep that they actually don't

recall it. But then, then it may be

something that happens and will trigger that event trigger that

memory. And it's then when their mind

keeps wandering to it, that's when it really starts to play

Heavy and they start to spiral into depression anxiety, and of

course, is suicidal thoughts. So it happened for me from here

comes to mind looking at that idea of spontaneous thoughts,

those what ifs we often cycle through.

When we're going through that process of rumination and

emotional reactivity, we get anxious.

We start to say, what if I tell us, you know, what will happen

as a result of this, sometimes that fear perpetuates a long's

the cycle. Yes to feed us, but Is also

another factor in it is the shame also can prolong it

because we shame, it's a feeling of somehow.

I'm deserving of this, whatever it may be, and you sit in that

holding pattern of feeling, well, I deserve this, I'm a bad

person, you know, this is what's meant to happen to me.

And it's until you start to speak out.

You can't shift that shame until you start to speak out.

You cannot begin to have your healing Journey or start to heal

until you start speaking out. And often where there's a

perpetrator you need to shift that shame to them, where it

belongs, at the very feet of the perpetrator, not on your

shoulders. Then it's not your shame to Bear

most often. We look at that shame.

Harboring Secrets, often creates that then to me becomes somewhat

of an inhibiting factor for us to being more open and building

relationships built in authentic.

Trust how then, can we shift some of that shame to build

those relationships? That's a good question because

that is the really, I think the hardest part is taking those

steps to shift that shame. And it's the me the way I did.

It was I said six words to really close girlfriend of mine

which was I need to tell you something.

Hmm. And I can tell you I held that

secret for over 10 years and it wasn't until I said those six

words that I started to shift that shame and started my

healing Journey. So for me how to shift, That

shame it's really about trying to find someone who you trust or

that you believe you can confide in to whether it be a friend,

family member colleague. There's even places where you

can confide anonymously, there's a poster secret.

I don't know if you've seen that or aware of it on Instagram, a

lot of people send in their secrets but I mean we our

organization Meg heart people. And write in and share their

secrets as well anonymously. But it's about dipping your toe

in the water and taking that first step.

And I believe for me saying, those six words, I need to tell

you something was me. Dipping my toe in the water and

also seeing what her reaction would be if she was open.

I felt she was and she was a safe place, but it was just like

dipping that toe in the water and and I I could feel it that

it was safe and it actually was the best thing I did.

Because once I did that, I was able to start seeing things

clearer processing, my emotions, these emotions that I had held

on to these negative emotions that I had held onto for so many

years, and just kept me in this trauma, holding pattern that I

just kept continually circling in and actually spiraling down

further. Live in a culture where dipping

your toe in that water can be such a difficult first step.

We look at a culture whose messages about secrecy can be

truly confounding. We look at the view sometimes

where cultural norms once made shameful Secrets, out of.

So many everyday events in life what we were able to

authentically share and not authentically share to me even

looking now in current culture, Are such things as sexual

orientation gender identity, who, and what a person.

Might feel themselves to be were once hidden and shamefully,

buried their asses of coming out to me, become so relevant.

It's not for me to judge who and what another might be.

But to Simply accept their truth without putting shame on them,

to allow them to not withhold that as a secret, definitely.

And that's The sad part as a culture, we've created that and

I mean, geez, we've come such a long way, but we've still got a

hell of a long way to go because it's so important to be able to

create a culture for our children and our grandchildren,

where people feel safe to be their authentic self and

everyone has that, right? Every single person has that

right to be able to feel safe being their authentic.

Self to discover that laid inside.

Mmm, exactly. What's the key to a happy and

fulfilling life? I think it's the fair showing up

in up here, T and R Truth. We Fear besides, it's what I

feel like this whole journey has brought me to contain the things

that we think will make us, happy will not bring us Safety

and Security, the end of the day, we are a sovereign

energetic, being who has all the tools already on the inside.

It is within your fingertips, you can create the life that you

want and the only person that is stopping you from creating that

life is you for greeting? Transformation happens from deep

within. We're all on the journey to

discover the light inside that Beacon which guides us to live.

Our truest most authentic self visit us at www.virtru.com,

light inside dot u-s to find out more feel, we're moving into a

culture where the assumption that telling Secrets, no matter

how win. Or to whom is morally Superior,

and most regards to keeping them that in and of itself

automatically becomes Healing free.

It allows us to liberate that light inside.

That's, it really does. And imagine, and this is what

drives me imagine. If we created a culture where

people were raised or children were were raised to speak.

They were raised to have a voice and not to have any shame carry,

any shame, guilt or regret. Imagine the ripple effect that

that could have on our society with mental health.

It would just be incredible. And also with the cases of all

different types of abuse and And when I say abuse, I don't just

mean domestic violence. Sexual abuse or these are all

kinds of abuse that he's out in our society every single day,

like racism. There's, you know bullying.

I don't know about you, but we've got a lot of bullying

going on in our schools here in Australia in on our social

media, social media, Even in our daily interactions as adults.

It seemed yes. With a greater frequency or

we're acknowledging it with a greater frequency, so much of

that, to me, gets pushed back into the dark.

We frequently experience that reluctance to dip into the

shadows and reveal our light. Looking at that, we often hear

that phrase coming to A Moment of Truth where we acknowledge,

what we are suppressing inside, then vulnerably surrender.

Our need to cover our authentic selves respecting Those

transition times Lee. Is there a methodology to

finding acceptance while Breaking Free of the bonds of

our secrets and starting the healing process?

Their methodology of Breaking Free Barry's?

So I think I suppose we need to understand first where someone's

at when they have been carrying a secret that has been weighing

heavy on them. They've been as I said that in

that Trauma cycle a holding pattern, they've been weighed

down by all of these really powerful emotions that are so

powerful that they can have such a negative impact on us.

So it's really hard to see clearly.

And so I think when you break your silence and you start to

speak it starts to help you see. Clearly it starts to get all of

this weight. Wait, that's weighing you down

off your shoulders and out of your mind.

So you can start to see clearly and it's only when you start to

see clearly, can you really be empowered to choose your own

healing journey? And when I say healing journey,

I think it's a journey of finding out who your true

authentic self is. And I can honestly say I'm I'm

50 this year and it's only been the last few years that I've

actually really found me. Hmm and house ads that but it's

also a blessing that I've got there.

In due time, half a century Neely respecting transition

times. You know we have to somewhat on

or truthfully where we are on the ark or bell curve of that

journey of where that process is simply unfolding for us.

How do we break our silence while building and keeping

emotional safety as we start to reveal our hidden secrets and

our trip? If it's really important.

And as I said, finding that person you can trust and I

suppose this is for people out there as well, that are the ones

that people come to and confide in.

I think the safest way to do that is when someone comes to

you with a secret and says, I need to tell you something, it's

really important that you understand, not to fix them just

to be present. And to listen, I can't stress

that enough because when someone has had that courage to break

their silence and trust me, it takes enormous courage to break

your silence. And when they've had that

courage to do that, you want to support them and Empower them,

and by doing, so you just need to be present and listen to

them, not fix them because you can probably see clearly and go,

oh, this is what you need to do. You Need to leave your husband,

you need to do this but you need to let them process those

emotions that, you know, to have sometimes been there for a very

long time, to be able to then come up with what they need to

do to heal and that is the safe way.

I believe to start your healing Journey.

Does that make sense? Sometimes holding your tongue is

the best way we can. Can hold space for another.

The act of not fixing someone and simply allowing their truth

to be there truth. You might be our greatest urge

to overcome I-10. You do as human beings, we feel

like we're solution-oriented so often.

Especially his parents. Yes.

Especially as parents you know, we so often feel our

responsibility is to guide him old this child rather than to

allow their truth to shine. It's somewhat of a measure of

condition belief that our role is to make sure every step of

the way. We're determining that exactly.

And it's like a fucking use rose in our book, carbon under

pressure as a function. A fine example.

And she really talks about this a lot and comes to the

realization that that she's actually been making her

daughter worse. So Rose actually woke to find

her daughter. Overdosed on sleeping tablets.

Trying to end her life and she carries you through a few years

of their journey and trying to peel back the layers to discover

this secret, that her daughter. A safe.

He had been holding on to for many years.

That had just been destroying her and Rose was the mum and she

was desperate to save her child. So she just kept trying to fix

her when in actual fact. She was making her worse and she

was pushing her away. And it wasn't until she realized

that that she had to have faith in her daughter.

That she could find her own healing Journey that her

daughter could actually start to spread her wings and process

things and start to heal. Because when you're trying to

fix someone, you suffocate them and you disempower them and when

someone has been in some kind of abuse, the worst thing you could

do is to disempower them, we need to empower them and support

them in that process. Like the look at the wrong, some

of our cultural biases play in that looking at abuse.

Looking at anyone who's struggling with addictions as

somewhat broken becomes disempowering.

We place that stigma on them, that as they're moving through

these experiences, they're broken from a parental role.

We can do likewise, even to ourselves in viewing ourselves

as perhaps saying we're a horrible parent, we're letting

the child down, we start to form our own stigmas and biases and

how we view ourselves easing, those biases and stigmas

surrounding Rounding telling the truth.

I feel it becomes easier to imagine the greater impact

claiming R-Truth has when sharing our stories within our

families within our communities and as we go out and share them

with the world. Definitely and that actually

brings me to another point. That so important about sharing

our stories and our secrets is, you know, as a community or as a

society we need to hear these stories.

He's because how else do we know and understand what's really

happening? How do we know what is happening

in our Healthcare System? With our mental health system?

How do we know what's going on in our legal system?

Our education systems, if we don't start to hear these

stories, we can't have those very conversations that start

and lead to change. So it's really important that we

not only break our silence but we also share it.

Sometimes that difficult truth is that difficult conversation

to Simply say, I need to tell you something.

I think that's such a great point to leave today.

It is. It definitely is having those

difficult conversations to me become so essential.

How can we ease some of that difficulty in sharing these

conversations with each other? I think we need to talk about

it. I think we need to continue to

talk about it and normalize it You know, and lose that stigma

and I think that's why I started doing what I'm doing and

started. Meg heart was, you know, there

was three main reasons was, first of all, to help people to

start their healing Journey. Because as we said it, you know,

they can't until they break their silence.

But the second thing is to share those stories to help Inspire

others to heal. And then the Third One is to

really publicize it and speak out.

So we can ignite those conversations that we need to

have to lead to change to create a better Society because if we

don't do that, we're just going to keep going down the same

path. We're on.

Do you think expectations from your perspective?

Play a role in sometimes? Blocking our ability to more

authentically? Trust I think they can.

Um, that's a really good question.

I've never thought of it that way, and but really who's

expectations? Are they are they the other

persons or are they your expectations that you place on

yourself because more often than not what we think people expect

from us is not necessarily the case.

It can often be our expectations that we've placed on us, I can

be such a A slippery slope of Duality that we sometimes I feel

just simply have to acknowledge and accept to surrender to and

to allow that space to be sometimes definitely.

It's really important to and communique in our society today.

Look at how we communicate behind the screen on messages.

We need to be able to start communicating.

More effectively. And that domain could take us

down a whole nother Rabbit Hole. I think we're fortunate enough

to have a conversation in development looking at the role

that social personas play throughout our lives, throughout

our social interactions. Yeah.

Well, that conversation to address those more fully but

that act alone. I'm gonna tiptoe up to it by

saying what we very often see in the media.

What we very Often see social media.

What we even see from others. Might just be the surface, What

secrets lie below? That surface is a whole nother

story. Definitely is, and that is so

true. It is just the surface and it's

so easy to portray what you want.

That surface to look like and all too.

Often we're living on that surface, you know?

And We're not swimming down underneath and that's what's

really important is, what's underneath not what's on the

surface, and that's a really other big rabbit hole.

We can go down, that brings me back to where we've kind of

started, some of our research as a team-- for this episode to

Ulysses and the story of what's below.

The surface that whole story of Ulysses in the sea, Is basically

one big narrative explaining how we off to keep things from each

other below the surface in a lot of regards.

Now some we do that because it's a people believe or feel that

it's easier to do that than go below the surface.

When in actual fact, it ends up being well, can end up being so

destructive and far, far worse. Sometimes the greatest secret is

that we keep maybe from ourselves.

To simply just acknowledge the truth, that that light is always

inside of us. Exactly essential that we look

at what role bringing those moments of Truth into our

awareness and diving into that process.

Yeah. The row for me.

When I break my silence, first of all, a heavyweight began to

lift off my shoulders. And they literally started to

feel lighter and surprising enough.

I became so much Karma and my relationship with those who I

started to confide in started to grow stronger.

So, I was able to get the comfort and the support that I

really, really needed. But then I began to Shift the

shame and the guilt where it belonged.

So it was shame and guilt that rendered me silent.

And as I said, where there's a perpetrator, it's so important

to shift that shame and that guilt and place it where it

belongs. Hold that person accountable and

move it off your shoulders because it's not yours to bear.

So, once I started doing In that I started to be able to leave my

regret in the past and I was started to able to accept things

that I could not change but then also start to be able to change

things. I could because my mind became

so much more clearer. And those were the things that I

started to need to do to move forward, to empower myself, to

lead the life. I really, really wanted to lead

But also the life that I deserve to lay, you know.

So that's one thing I can't stress.

Enough is breaking your silence even though it might feel like

it's impossible to do at times. It's the biggest step.

It's the hardest step. It takes a lot of Courage, but

once you do it, you can start walking the path that you want

to walk on. There is no true secret to our

humanness the truth is that path that we are human so often.

I feel we approach the perspective of Life.

What is the secret to something? As if everything is hidden from

us. Yes, it's a little Divergent

from holding personal information.

Yes, but I feel sometimes we leverage that as human beings.

Sometimes we feel things are hidden from our knowledge.

When perhaps maybe they're not in the truth is right in front

of us the secret to success Leo. Just for an example is there a

true Secret in that if someone has that information?

What is their intent to withhold it?

That's a big one eye. Tiptoe up to.

A lot of times you have, the Curious mind that likes to look

at things. Why do we do that?

Why is human beings? When we do it in our marketing,

do we say, learn the secret to X Y & Z.

If we have that information to share with each other, what

might be the intention behind that and withholding that truth.

That's not one day answer today. I'm just going to throw that out

between you and I in our conversation because I always

find curiosity in that. That's a interesting, because

you can clearly see it's a big marketing.

Employee. Yeah, you're definitely po

halliburton's. Yeah, you definitely have bad.

Is there a secret to success? I'm gonna put this out there.

Is there a one secret to success there, you know, in order to

discover that? First of all, we need to define

success. Your success won't be the same

as my success. My definition of success.

So yeah. I think people can't tell you,

I've got the secret to success because I don't believe there is

one secret to success and if there were that secret would be

your own truth. Yeah, okay.

Okay. That's good to see that if we

know that truth from another, if we don't truly know it yet,

let's set on that Journey. Oh, shine a light on, sometimes

you guys really know it until you actually speak it.

We may be gone off on a big tangent with that one.

But I like to throw that out there as we're talking about

this and openness, you know, sometimes the secret is just our

own withholding of that intention.

It is it can't be and you know what?

That's fine. There's not all secrets are bad.

It's just those ones that Impact us negatively that we need to be

mindful of and aware of find the courage in a way to break our

silence. And as a community, I think we

need to support people to do that as well.

We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children.

We need to start encouraging a culture by where we speak.

We speak out. I can't banging on about that.

Is our golden nugget, I feel today, I knew there was

something. We were leaving on the table

Lee. And I think that Was the gold

nugget. The kind of brings things

altogether today, so thank you. Honesty and openness are always

the foundation for insightful dialogue being sensitive to

those. We interact with allows us to

more effectively communicate building authentic and trusting

relationships up. Next we talk with William Allen

being a highly sensitive person he discusses, how we can become

more open while being more sensitive toward others.

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What do a legal term in a popular book title have in

common when it comes to avoidance and making broad

assumptions the surprising answer.

Openness author Margaret Hefner and in tells us open this isn't

the end it's the beginning. An often overlooked core value

and asset. Openness is one from which we

can leverage our abilities to empower, a more aware view of

the world in developing a more expansive life experience from

within Openness can also bring about new adventure and exciting

New Opportunities For Learning. There are six facets or

Dimensions involved in expressing.

Openness be seen how an active imagination aesthetic,

sensitivity attentiveness to inner feelings and a desire for

variety or Adventure is often advantageous in also essential

and expressing a more authentic sense of being, including

intellectual curiosity in the ability to question it.

The word, a state known as psychological liberalism.

These factors having undergone extensive research to which we

can draw effective. Conclusions illustrating, how

these facets are qualities. All being significantly

correlated examining how openness can be considered a

global personality trade with cluster together.

These traits provide, a greater understanding of how open this

brings about effective change throughout our lives.

During the past, decade research on the biological basis of

sensory. Assessing sensitivity or SPS

genetically-based rate associated with greater

sensitivity and responsiveness to environmental and social

stimuli as burgeoning dr. Elaine in Aaron, is an American

clinical research psychologist and author.

Aaron has published numerous books and scholarly articles

about inherent temperament and interpersonal relationships

focusing, especially on the subject of sensory processing

sensitivity. This Research begins with her

book. The highly sensitive person

which has sold over a million copies sensory processing

sensitivity describes a set of human population.

That is most influenced by environmental factors sensory,

sensitivity refers to how aware an individual is with regard to

each of their sensory channels sight.

Sound taste smell touch and pain.

All individuals have varying degrees of sensitivity and have

varying ways of outwardly. Responding and expressing their

awareness of these sensitivities these sensory channels serving

as our neural Pathway to discovering the world around us

and how we relate to it in relationship as researchers.

Try to characterize this trait. It is still unclear.

How SPS is distinct from seemingly related, clinical

disorders, which have overlapping symptoms such as

sensitivity to the environment and Hyper responsiveness to

incoming stimuli. The concept is sensitivity has

gained Traction in the years since Aaron conceived of it,

particularly as more, and more people begin to self-identify as

highly sensitive overall. About 15 percent of the

population are thought to be highly sensitive.

Highly sensitive persons are thought to be more Disturbed

than their peers by violence, tension and feelings of being

overwhelmed. As a result, they may often make

concerted efforts to avoid situations in which such things.

Likely to occur. When the more positive end of

the trait, High sensitivity is thought to be linked to higher

levels of creativity, Richard personal relationships and even

a greater appreciation for beauty.

William Allen is such a person. Educating others about the

day-to-day experiences of highly sensitive individuals lives with

the heart of a writer. In the mind of a researcher

bill, you experienced a rather unique trait that only about 15

to 80% of the population, possesses called sensory

processing sensitivity or also known as HSP or highly sensitive

person. Can you share a bit with us

about your experience with these traits?

It's actually probably about 20% I've ever seen as high as 30,

but I stick with 20, I think 20 is a good number.

So we look at that. How do we learn from that?

20 percent that has this gift of a trait in some regards to be

more Active to be more open to be more sensitive than others,

to be more attuned, to those environmental cues that become

the Hallmark of that condition. That's automatically a where

we'd like to look at. You not only have a deeper

understanding of that and a very unique experience of it.

You also have that view to turn outwards, now to offer to others

and say these things do come to like the, some others might not

be attuned to. So how do we guide others to

become more attuned? To those things are absolutely

going through a process of kind of answer your questions and so

forth to going with your team. I was intrigued by this concept.

Was typically part of the things that I've been doing is trying

to educate people about this trait.

But there's always been this underlying theme that and this

is something the dr. Elaine are in talks about is

this is an evolutionary quality and the quality is that nature

makes in this trade of high sensitivity and I think it's

almost like nature is fake it in as a kind of a row.

Model for others to follow. In other words, we're talking

about earlier the biases that we have.

We see so much of that today, there's a lack of empathy,

people are always clamoring for saying, we need more empathy,

but a lot of times people don't know what that is or how to do

that. Where highly sensitive people

wired, almost Wired from Earth to be like that.

So even though many don't know about the trait, they don't even

know that there's such a thing as this personality trait

sensory processing, Sensitivity. The idea is that they inherently

know they're different. And I'm not talking about

magical people that have been sort of birth from nature, but

they are wired to be more like those things that you're talking

about being aware of other people being aware of our

differences, being able to be attended to that.

And also, to be attentive to the environmental changes that are

going on, not only in the planet, but just in

interpersonally, with people, in Behavioral Science,

sociopathology is Study of Personality factors that are

somewhat out of regular Consciousness or situational

awareness, this leading to behaviors considered outside the

norm, especially in a particular social group.

It's often felt interaction with negative experiences.

Increases the risk of sociopathology.

This is perhaps, when we often engage in experiential,

avoidance as individuals, Bill, what effect does our environment

and situational awareness, have on our ability to be Become more

sensitive to the driving motivational factors of other

individuals. We get, everybody has

sensitivity couldn't exist without it because the real gist

of this sensory processing. Sensitivity Falls up underneath

this larger theory about environmental sensitivity and

that is all about how the organism reacts to the

environment. Okay?

So everybody, everybody has a degree of sensitivity and that's

how you exist. You have users.

Sensory mechanisms that you have to be able to perceive the

environment to be able to live and exist in the environment.

And that's really what sensitivity is.

And that's that's what the science is saying.

That this is a spectrum sensitivity.

Is it stopped their highly sensitive people and everybody

else but highly sensitive. People are more impacted by the

environment because of their sensory wiring and how they

process sensory information. That doesn't mean everybody else

can't be that as well. Be more empathetic.

And so, So forth. So that's the one thing I always

like to try to be very clear about that.

I don't see highly sensitive people as being kind of a

shoebox by themselves. That it's we're all part of a

great humanity. And sensitivity is part of that.

So let's look a little bit at that experience.

First of, how do we start to understand as an individual?

Discovers, they might be a highly sensitive individual.

Let's start there, you know, because some of these trades go

undiscovered or they start to surface in various ways.

As a highly sensitive individual yourself, where do you start to

form that awareness? Well, as I said earlier, I think

a lot of highly sensitive people are aware that in some ways,

they are different than other people, they see things

differently, they perceive things differently, they process

things differently, but they don't have anything to attach it

to a chip. Eclis, what happens is they're

growing up, they're labeled as being quote unquote, too,

sensitive too. Emotional to hypersensitive.

To criticism etc, etc. And then this General label of

sensitive which in many times as a pejorative tone to it, this is

what they identify with what's happening is that more and more

people are becoming aware of the trade, just through social media

through Outreach has more books are being written so forth.

And so on, this is part of what I do is go out and I try to get

on two different podcasts and venues to talk about it because

they're going to be a segment, your audience, and every other

That's going to have gone through this kind of thing, and

feel, isolated and alone. And I think what they need to do

is realize that if they have these traits, these can

attribute. So if I sensitivity that there

are a lot more people out there than they realize they have the

same thing and there's a lot more information than it was 20

or 30 years ago. When this was just sort of

becoming to think from that perspective.

To me, I looking Inward and saying, where do we start to

recognize? Not only as we stigmatize this

experience and view it from our biases.

He's, we're also doing that and very many potentially harmful

areas of Our Lives. We look at the role as you

mention, toxic masculinity, where do we start to form some

of the astigmatism 's biases on either side of the fence.

Let's look at how we deconstruct that.

Yeah, it's a toxic masculine. I hate even using the term.

Frankly, it's become popularized last few years but it's almost

radioactive itself because when you say, Are you immediately

light up after given population? Because the assumption is that

all men are toxic and all men are toxic because they're

masculine and that's really not the case at all.

What I like to come from the angle, like to come from.

Is that masculinity, I think is by and large, a social

construct. We've all agreed somewhere in

the past, but this is what men are supposed to do and, and

they're supposed to act this way and, and Not act this way and so

forth. And I think the science is

showing that the strict old traditional views of masculinity

are not only toxic for other people who experience some of

the downfall of that. But it's also toxic for men, you

know, men don't ask for help, they don't ask for assistance,

they don't go out and get the help.

They need that very often manifests itself and aggression

aggressive behavior towards their Emily's towards other

people so that toxic masculinity part is really in my opinion.

It's like a coat that men where it's emasculating as we know it

as a coat that we wear, it doesn't make every man toxic.

But the idea is that this is a good time, I think of the

history of the world for us to let's break it down.

Like you said, deconstructed a little bit, let's revise it.

And if it's if it's like a costume that we wear, then you

could always tailor it for something else, you can always

resize. Sighs it.

You can always look at different ways and being more inclusive

about what masculinity really means.

Yeah. I think, from that perspective,

we look at the level of sensitivity sometimes in how

we're simply perceiving. Are we objectively looking or

are we starting to discern things?

There's a fine balance there, sometimes by simply saying men

do this, you know. Well, we automatically start to

lump sum all men into that ball of clay.

Without sensitivity to considering some men, do some

men don't the Spectrum here is Broad and wide, right?

Because we started doctor in your little boys when they're

very young, and one of the main things that you hear.

And I know because I experienced it, I grew up in a little bit in

the 50s but mostly in the 60s and 70s, you know, Boys, Don't

Cry. Don't cry.

You're going to become a girl. If you cry, your become less

than a man or the idea that as a man, you're 45 years old.

You're supposed to be a man at that time.

That's I heard that quite a bit grow up and be a man, right?

And I like the idea use of sensitivity is a kind of a

perceptual thing, because I think we focused on sensitivity

is being that a heightened perception of what's going on

and then an awareness internally about what you perceived, that's

what makes Sensitivity. I think more of a gift more of a

tool or something that we can use in, there are a lot of

Highly sensitive men out there who have heard over and over

again. I just read an article this

morning, some guy from Great Britain had written an article

about being too sensitive, right?

That's the way they're labeled. But what you say that about a

tool or a measuring device that oh my this is too sensitive.

I measure too much information about what you're looking for is

Precision in the first place. So that's why I say this is a

lot about how we perceive ourselves.

You know, in relation to how other people have seen

sensitivity, and I think that's a very good point.

You're making, is that that shift can take place internally

and specially insensitive people to help other people see that as

well and see those qualities in themselves.

The ability to to be aware of things to buy perception and

starting to absorb that and thinking grow up and be a man

that in, and of itself is just a very vague General statement.

Yes, you know, a you're born male anatomy, you know, it's a

male anatomy because I'm being more sensitive to a broader

view, right? Of gender identity.

I've experienced individuals firsthand that.

I know personally who say I was born with this Anatomy but

inside and on a spiritual level on an inner being level

identified with the other, I felt the other it's not for me

to judge because At therefore, then becomes insensitive to how

someone else's perceiving feeling and experiencing their

reality moving past, those biases to me.

Absolutely. Yeah.

And I have also experienced that as well as you were talking

about and it's opened my eyes, it was a family member and it

changed my perspective. So, you're right about this

sensitivity to others and where they're coming from and I think

highly sensitive people particularly Lee because we are

sort of born with this trade of being able to have a certain

heightened, sensitivity to the environment.

Need to first of all shift, our own biases about against our

self based on cultural norms that we've been told to seeing

this is being a gift that it is and B if it's utilized and

wielded as a gift then it becomes a tool that we can share

right? And we share with other people.

Let's look a little bit. If we will what some of these

Substantial traits are of highly sensitive people that

differentiate them in their ability to experience.

Well, I'm going to go with and I always use this but this is dr.

Errands definition. I want to stick with more of the

science and the evidence base definition, she is as an acronym

called does Geo AES. And there are four main

characteristics that come as a result of that.

And these are pretty much widely across the sensitive Spectrum.

You talking about a billion and a half people, you're gonna have

a lot of Visual differences but these four characteristics

pretty much stick with sensitive people.

That is depth of processing. What I was talking about earlier

about how we process information on a very deep level, almost

kind of think where they philosophers of the human

species because we take information Deep dive with it.

Sometimes over think sometimes ruminate too much but the

reality is that we take a really very close time.

Consuming CPU, intensive. Kind of, look at things.

So that's something that's very characteristics of high

sensitive people. The second letter is the oh and

that's over stimulation and overwhelm.

These are things that happened on only sensitive people.

If you're processing all that information if you're Gathering

data and I like to look at it like this, if you look at it, a

turn on a camera, the more wide open it is the more like you're

getting in, that's what happens with highly sensitive people.

I don't think our senses are better but I do think that we

have inside the Brain, a filter that is more open and we get

more data which tends to lead to overstimulation and the need to

have some downtime recoup time that kind of thing.

So that's something you see a lot of times in highly sensitive

people and people see that as a weakness.

When in fact it's just trying to recover from handle this

stimulation. The third letter is p and that

stands for emotional reactivity or emotional depth of

processing, which we are very Creatures, I think because we

process emotion of much deeper level things, move us more, we

fall in love, eat more deeply and easily, you know, and things

affect us in a very emotional way.

The other half of that e is empathy.

Highly sensitive people are very empathetic people.

That's why sort of tying into the things that we've been

talking about this point that they're sort of natural

ambassadors for kindness and empathy and understanding.

Because we're Wired that way. And so we are more empathetic

and then the last letter is the S, and that's I call it sensory.

Acuity dr. Aaron calls.

It sensitivity to the subtle in the environment.

So we pick things out, we find things it.

Other people are missing because again our filters a little bit

more open. So you combine all four of those

things. That's probably the best

definition that's out there right now, for what highly

sensitive people are and what they're about.

And their attributes. No, left those phrases, you're

bringing in, like, Lynn's filter aperture.

They all have significant meaning in the regard of how we

view things, emotional aperture, being how we measure our

emotional response to environmental cues and

situations looking at frame of reference as the lens reviewing

life through being more open and sensitive in that regard, one

thing that I feel so we can vastly learn and potentially

improve upon as we. Observe highly sensitive

individuals that natural ability.

Highly sensitive people can take up the mantle on this once they

learn and are comfortable with the trait.

And I think that requires some self-education and some

self-awareness but to become sort of ambassadors for these

other things about what the world desperately needs right

now, which I think is more empathy, kindness compassion and

understanding about, The others that are out there others than

us, you know, as we always look at the world and kind of

compartments and buckets to find out that we're really quite all

connected, and we're all quite alike in our different ways.

So, this is where I think highly sensitive people can step up,

they can do it locally, they can do it globally wherever it is,

but once you have that understanding and you shift your

mindset from being, okay? I've got this.

And it's been weird all my life and I don't fit in and whatever.

Over to realizing, okay. I, you know, a lot of people and

I sense of people use the term superpower.

I, you know, I guess I like to think of it as a gift, right?

It's something that we can use and it's a tool and I think we

can use that reach out into the world and talk about these

things. We look at that and

differentiate what's baked in or innate.

You know, born trait being the mechanistic understanding,

that's a big word mechanistic it's just simply the structure

that's there, the foundation of who Are what we are genetically

and spiritually and physically. And then what we learn or

becomes our mind State, you know, mindset is the mindset a

certain thing or we sensitive to being open of our simple mind.

State becomes functional understanding, were learning a

specific trait and action in that regard.

We're learning a specific tools, specific skill beyond what we

innately have inherited. Exactly.

And that shift that, I think that needs to take place with

highly sensitive people. I think, is going to Bear some

fruit. I think that is an important

next step for, especially for people who are highly sensitive

again, going back to that topic, and then is that, once, they

understand the trait, what's their become aware of it, once

they see it in a positive light. Now, what now, what do we do,

right? And for a lot of people that's

that is a ponderous task to think about what am I going to

do here? How am I going to affect the

world in a positive way? And that's that next step that I

think a lot of highly sensitive people are going to need to be

taking as this sort of spreads about the the trade for those

people who have this, how they can be models.

And again, this isn't just about highly sensitive people stepping

up. We need the entire population of

the planet to start owning into some of this things as well.

But you know, from my perspective, what I've written

about, it's typically about highly sensitive men who have

kind of a double Jeopardy situation here, one, there are

sensitive and their men and the cultural norm for men is, don't

be sensitive. No matter what, that's the worst

thing you can be sensitive, right?

And that's the unfortunate reality.

In a lot of these guys have to deal with, is there going to be

dealing with the challenges of the trait learning to managers?

And those challenges can definitely be managed.

It's just being aware that you have this.

And the other part is where do I go out there and I can relate to

other men. Many of whom are Are looking for

some way to say, you know what, it would be nice.

If I could show more emotional feelings, I could get and become

more exposed, more vulnerable. I could ask for help, I could do

all these things. That's where I think, highly

sensitive men can really help other men is to learn to be able

to do those kind of things. And when you have that opening

right, for men who have kind of blocked, that what happens is

they begin to realize this sensitivity that they have.

Have an awareness of other people and the others that are

out there that they thought were disconnected from them, how well

that works. But the idea is that it's a way

of freeing and liberating men from this sort of confining

definition of what a man should be in, could be to me, this is

the most powerful lesson we can learn as we sit back and open to

those who are moving into a new embracement of their gender

identity, and their gender perspective.

When we get out of the way of some of those cluttering views,

some of those weeds we've allowed to grow in our Garden of

Life, we can see where those patterns become inhibiting.

A lot of times where we create those very subjective views that

start to form us into a little bit of a pigeon hole that start

to form the stigmas. This start the form, all of

those limiting beliefs in order. I think that's the key word

limiting because it does not allow men to be fully expressive

human being. Things emotions are a human

trait, right? Having emotions as human trait.

And a lot of people are concerned that as you were

talking about earlier, gender identity, that they're thinking,

well, you know, you're confusing.

Everything you're going to confuse the world.

We're going to be suddenly become completely androgynous

and there's no difference between men and women, right?

As if suddenly we've discovered that we were completely aware of

everything. Yeah, exactly.

Not already somewhat confused about a lot of stuff.

Exactly, exactly. So I think that the way I like

to phrase it as would be just become more human, right?

Being a human being should be our number-one objective.

How you express your identity from that point on is going to

be highly individual. And that's why I say that if

we're going to do a redefinition on masculinity at some point, it

isn't the throw everything out. There's a lot of positive things

about that men are and have been and that And he shouldn't be

forsaken simply because we want to reinvent the wheel.

The idea here is that we need to be more inclusive though as to

what a man can be. And and I think that part of it

ties to that being human. I think that is such an

essential message today. Bill just simply allowing that

Sacred Space at sacredness of place to be who and what you are

to be authentic to that identity to be authentic to that sense of

self were creating and then Also authentic to that self less

being. It's just simply that energy

Being Human and we are all those things.

Where individuals are? We're part of a collective.

Hey, we're all connected again. Yeah, I feel that process in and

of itself, just taking your time to become aware of taking the

time. Perhaps to see how in a positive

way I can see where I'm at and where you're at, not to compare

contrast not to form a differentiated not to divide,

but Simply to hold that perspective to Simply observe

where you might be, where I might be exactly, and honor,

those differences. Absolutely.

And again, everybody has sensitivity you couldn't exist

without it because the real gist of this sensory processing

sensitivity. Paul's up underneath this larger

theory about environmental sensitivity and that is all

about how the organism reacts to the environment.

Okay, so everybody, everybody has a degree of sensitivity and

that's how you exist. You have use your sensory

mechanisms that you have to be able to perceive the environment

to be able to live and exist in the environment.

And that's really what sensitivity is exactly.

The point. I find myself and I think

perhaps that is are highlighting point today.

Seth Godin tells us at the heart of art is learning to see in the

same way in learning to live then discovering how to see the

beauty in everything. Very much of what we learn is

guided and informed by how we feel and what we believe after.

All Learners and leaders may agree that a greater sense of

openness based on authenticity and vulnerability makes our

relationships flourish whether with ourselves or as we can

Necked with others. As we consider how we become

more open. Our mental Outlook becomes a

key. Differential element setting

their space, Perhaps, as we consider the inevitable fact,

our mental models are deeply ingrained images of how we see

the world, how each of us react in different scenarios and

situations after Peterson's developed, the ladder of

inference in the Fifth Discipline field book as an

effort to illustrate, how each of us engages critical thinking

as individuals. Cinge asserts that learning

organizations require a new view of leadership.

He sees the traditional view of leaders Especial people who set

the direction, make key decisions in energize the troops

as deriving from a deeply idealistic and non-systematic

worldview held. Perhaps, as rather simplistic

Frameworks are applied to other complex systems.

We tend to focus on the parts rather than the whole and fail

to see. Ization as a dynamic process in

the as a result, missing the bigger picture in life.

Since states, that every important decision we make,

usually going through this cycle with each of us, taking actions

based on our beliefs adopting beliefs around the world,

building conclusions drawing assumptions.

Based on meaning, adding meanings both, culturally and

personally selecting information and observing our experiences.

As a result of this conclusions based on our beliefs and

assumptions are usually obvious to us, but we often jump to them

frequently, missing steps and objective facts.

We can see this. When we meet someone for the

first time, in our mental models, greatly influence, how

we perceive them as we, observe their words, their expressions

in their reactions. And by extension these mental

models, then influence our thoughts and reactions within

each situation. Getting how we behave, how we

speak. And even our subconscious

mannerisms, as a result that first meaning can make for a

pleasant first impression or an embarrassingly regrettable

occasion mental models and Frameworks.

The give people a representation of how we believe the world

Works. They form are constructs of how

we see reality. And yet, sometimes how we see

this reality is somewhat flop, the state called foundational

attribution errors, Using information which is fresh in

our brains is serves as a major, you stick to gauge life.

And again rather than being more objective and taking into

consideration, the integrative complexities of life or

constructs are very frequently rooted in these attribution

errors in conjecture or assumptions.

It's easy to draw this conclusion.

Sensitivity can be an essential tool in building, our

connectedness to the self, and it's a highly beneficial.

And ship device fortifying, our connection to others as well.

We return now, to that legal term, we mentioned earlier,

willful blindness legally, speaking the term willful

blindness refers to the practice of a person intentionally

oblivious to fax, it would render them liable for wrongful

acts. It's perhaps the in safe to

assume willful. Blindness might hinder us from

becoming more open. This openness means drawing no

conclusions. As we simply look at everything,

the way it is freeing us of assumptions assumptions.

Which often lead to disagreement in Discord.

Is it possible? We sometimes simply agree to

disagree in her book. Willful blindness, why we ignore

the obvious at our peril? Oh Margaret Hefner ninh argues

that the biggest threats and dangers.

We Face are the ones. We don't see not because they

are secret or invisible but because we're willfully blind,

she examines the phenomena and traces, its imprint in our

private and working lives as well as within governments, and

organizations and asks, what makes us prefer ignorance?

What are we afraid of and why do some people see more than others

it then becomes Is essential to ask ourselves.

How can we change upon closer examination, perhaps by becoming

more open to the infinite potential in all things opening

to an expanding and Limitless Universe a universe, which is

interconnected. This has been the light inside.

I'm Jeffrey biesecker.

The Story